Honesty, a Broken Heart and a Great God by Anna Wood

Psalms 27: 10, For my father and my mother have forsaken me, but the LORD will take me in.

Getting deep down inside ourselves when life is painful isn’t easy. It’s even harder to open the broken parts of ourselves up to others. Sometimes we need to do it, though. This is one of those times.

I know pain. I know the pain of being rejected by my father–who denied I was his though there was no doubt that I was. The pain of living with his drunken outrages–outrages that had me on very strong “nerve medicine” by the time I was 18 months old; medicine that was designed to help me with the “blanking out” and “walking into walls” I was later told I had been doing. Medicine also designed to calm me down when I’d get hysterical at hearing his car pull into our driveway each evening. Medicine I had to stay on my entire childhood.

I know the fear that comes when you leave all and run in the middle of the night in an attempt to outrun the man who wants to kill your Mama and take you–even though he has no true love for you. The uncertainty and disquiet that comes from uprooting over and over and over during the very young years of your life. The utter relief and the broken heart that vie for emotional space when you hear your abuser has died.

The very confusing pain of living with an increasingly depressed and overwhelmed mother who eventually starts taking her pain and fears out on you. The caustic words that eat at your soul. The terror at the thought of setting her off. The struggles to please a Mother who absolutely refused to be pleased. Verbal abuse that eventually bled over into other kinds of abuse. Pain that went on and on and on, increasing throughout the years. Pain that didn’t stop when she finally passed.

The loneliness, confusion and pain far too deep for words that comes with an abusive marriage. The struggles to come to grips with the abuse and, finally, to confess to yourself that abuse has occurred. The never-ending ache that comes from watching your children hurt. The fear of confiding the abuse to others who just might throw it back in your face.

The near-despair that comes from watching some of your own precious children go down the wrong road in a vain effort to right the many wrongs heaped on them. The drowning kind of sorrow that accompanies their rebellion, the deep heart brokenness that accompanies the cruelty of their words and accusations.

The emotional firestorm that erupts from hearing words of censure from supposed Christians who have no clue what you are enduring, don’t give a whit for you but still feel the need to condemn and vilify because “somebody said”. Or simply because you and your family don’t fit their ideals.

I know it all and more.

If I stopped here, thought about it all long enough, and wallowed in the pain, I’d be nearly as bad as those who did the abusing. I could do that. I’ve known those who have. Usually they end up pouring their pain out on the next generation. And on it goes. Endlessly.

I could stop and wallow except for one thing: God’s grace won’t let me. It’s not that I’m better than those who do. It’s that God’s in control.

It took me a long, long time to trust Him enough to even begin to understand that He is a good God, He is in control, He does a plan…even through all the pain.

That’s what I want you, my readers, to know. God is in charge. Moreover, He is good. He’s not like your abuser. He won’t lie, break or wound you. He isn’t like the preachers who preach one thing from the pulpit but live quite another way everywhere else. He’s not like the “good Christian folks” who refuse to listen, refuse to try to understand but love to gossip and condemn. God doesn’t lie. He doesn’t abuse, misuse or demand things we aren’t capable of performing.

God is a good God.

God is a very good God.

It bears repeating. Over and over and over. God is a wonderfully good God Who can be trusted–even if you have never known, or have rarely known, people worthy of your trust. Once you know really Him, you will find Him far, far easier to trust than any person.

Go to the pages of Scripture. Read how Jesus related to those wounded, broken ones He met along the way. Observe how tender He was, how kind. Go to the pages of the Old Testament and read about God’s provision for His people. Look up the story of the Red Sea: I love that story. I’ve lived that story, had my own Red Sea story, many, many times. Each time God came through. Each time He delivered. Each time He proved Himself worthy of my trust.

The really great thing in all of this is that none of it depends on me. God doesn’t accept me because I’m good or because I’ve achieved something. Abuse victims are just like everyone else in this: we’re all sinners worthy of hell. Enduring abuse here doesn’t give anyone a free pass to Heaven. The reason God accepts me is because He, through the blood of His Son, Jesus, has saved me from Himself.

God saved me from God: from His wrath, from His condemnation, from His justice. From the Hell I so deserved. He can do it for you, too.

I am of the Reformed faith and I firmly believe God is in control. In all ways. In everything. I also know from the pages of Scripture that, when we come to Him in true repentance, confessing our sins and asking His forgiveness, He never turns us away. He’s a really great God. A good God. A loving God.

A loving God: that’s everything to those of us who have rarely known human love. Because He’s a loving God, a good God, we can know for certain that He will take us in when we come to Him in our brokenness and pain. And He will never let us go.

A Cry For Justice: Awakening the Evangelical Church to Domestic Violence in its Midst

That’s the title of a new book that will be coming out sometime in the next few months. Written by a Reformed Pastor and an abuse survivor, it is designed to open eyes, open hearts, shatter lies and offer grace.

A Cry For Justice is also the name of the blog that Pastor Crippen and I maintain. It is for abuse survivors, for the church, for anyone who needs to understand abuse and all issues surrounding it. The blog can be found at http://cryingoutforjustice.wordpress.com/  Please come by and join us as we seek to make the church and our homes better and safer places to be; places where the grace of our Lord Jesus Christ abounds and abides.

How Should Churches Respond to Claims of Domestic Abuse?

• First and foremost, make it known that you will listen to victims.
• When a woman comes to you with a description of abuse, believe her. Her description of what she is going through is only the tip of the iceberg.
• Help her to understand that God is safe, He is there for her and He abhors what her abuser has done to her. Be prepared to answer her questions about God.
• Pray with her. Continue to pray for her.
• Don’t react with horror to her story. Remember that sharing her story is quite possibly embarrassing and difficult for her.
• Sympathize with her but do not pity her. Pity is far more than most abuse victims can stand.
• Assure her that this is not her fault and that she doesn’t deserve to be treated in such a vile manner. It doesn’t matter what she may have done or not done, abuse is not  justified.
• Do not suggest that she seek counseling with her abuser. She will not be free to tell the truth and will be placed in increased danger. 
• Do not send her home with directions to “submit more”, “be a better wife”, “be more forgiving” or anything else like that. She’s probably far more submissive than most women in the church; most abused women are.
• Assess the situation. Is it safe for her and her children to return home?
• Have at hand the contact information for shelters for battered women. Give her the National Hotline number: 1-800-SAFE (7233).
• If she has left home to protect herself and her children, don’t tell her to go back, try harder, forgive more. Women and children have been killed by doing this.
• If she returns home, help her come up with a safety plan. Set up a code word to express she is in danger if she should have need to call you or talk to you with her abuser around.
• Many women who are abused do not have enough food, money or medical care. Assess her needs and offer aid as needed.
• Do not share what she has told you with her abuser.
• Do not spread her story around the church.
• If she has fled her abuser, do not share with anyone where she is. This is especially true for her abuser; to share her whereabouts is to place her in danger.
• Offer to help her with her children. Find out what their needs are and try to help her with them.
• Commit to helping her, listening to her, believing her. Let her know you are available for her to call you should she need to.
• Help her to understand what “normal” is: normal relationships, normal grieving of her loss, normal anything. Help her to learn to reach for normal.
• Don’t get so involved so that she depends on you to make her decisions or that she doesn’t heal or grow. Do be there for her and find others who will be there for her. She probably has no one on whom she can depend or to whom she can turn.

The Cancer in Our Midst by Anna Wood

Isaiah 5: 20, Woe to those who call evil good and good evil, who put darkness for light and light for darkness, who put bitter for sweet and sweet for bitter!

The husband forced his wife into their bedroom, stripped her, whipped her and told her she was nothing but a slave with the sole purpose of pleasing him. 

Another husband refused to work preferring to let his wife struggle to support him and their children while he stayed home all day and watched porn on the net.

Yet another forced his wife to undress in the car, perform oral sex on him and then walk into their house completely naked.

Still another was unhappy with the supper his wife served him. He showed his unhappiness by tossing the food around the kitchen, slamming the plate down on the table and then storming out of the room while his children watched. 

Each one of these is a true story and that’s awful enough. Worse, though, is that in each of these cases, the husband is a professing Christian. One of these is my story, the others are stories from godly women known to me.

Domestic abuse isn’t something out there–it’s in here in the Church. It’s the cancer in our midst. Every single day there are Christian women all across the nation who are abused by their husbands–the same men who swore before God that they would love and protect their wives are the very ones wounding, bruising and destroying them. Yet, if any of these women got up enough nerve to go to her pastor and tell him the truth about her life with her husband, the chances are very great that he would tell her that she’s dishonoring her husband by admitting to the abuse, not showing forgiveness, not being submissive enough (for if she were, her husband wouldn’t feel threatened and treat her as he is) or that her husband’s mistreatment of her isn’t as bad as she thinks it is.

I wonder what his story would be if he were somehow the one who had to live through the kinds of things described above? What if it were his mother or his daughter going through this? Would his reaction be different then?

It’s shameful to think that his reaction might be different if it were his family because pastors are meant to shepherd the sheep. The kinds of pastors who turn a blind eye to women in their congregation who are being abused, who accuse them of being the one who is sinning by daring to acknowledge the abuse, are failing as Shepherds. They’re not only failing the women and their children, they are failing the church at large. Worse, they are failing God and disobeying His holy Word.

For far too long, the abuser has had a safe place to hide in our churches while the abused has had to leave in shame. This must stop and it must stop now. The church needs pastors who will admit that abuse is real. Pastors who will call abuse sin. Pastors who aren’t afraid of stepping on toes, speaking out for the helpless and going headlong into the fray. Godly men who love God and His Word must lead this battle.

It is time for pastors to wake up to the cancer of abuse in the church and act in a way that is honoring to our Lord by taking a stand for truth, protecting the innocent and by refusing to call evil good any longer.

Telling Ourselves the Truth that Really Matters by Anna Wood

Sometimes it’s easier to lie to ourselves than it is to tell ourselves the truth. Sometimes the truth hurts so much that, no matter how much we need to, we don’t want to face it. That’s pretty much the way I’ve lived much of my life.

Facing the truth about our lives is easy to do when our lives are going well, our family can be trusted, there are few bumps and even fewer mountains. Facing the truth about our lives when we have lived almost entirely in the valley of pain is another thing altogether.

It hurts to acknowledge the truth that your father was an abusive alcoholic and your mother was otherwise abusive.

It hurts to admit that your marriage has been anything but normal.

It hurts to admit that, because of the pain that has defined your family life, some of your children follow the abuser.

It hurts to admit that you’ve listened to all of the lies, all of the garbage spewed at you and you’ve swallowed it all.

It hurts but it’s necessary if healing is to ever take place.

Bit by bit, little by little, I’ve learned to tell myself the truth. It still hurts but it’s getting better.

I’ve learned to replace the lies I’ve been told for so long with the real Truth. The Truth that God is my real Father. That when others abandon and abuse, He takes me up. He protects, He defends, He loves.

God loves me. We teach our children to sing it but, for abuse victims, it’s a hard truth to learn. But it’s also one of the most important truths to learn. Little by little I am learning it. Now I’m telling it to you.

If you are an abused woman, if you’ve been cast aside, castigated, lied about, ignored and had venom spewed upon you turn to God. He really is love. He really is there. He really does care. He really will take you up.

I know.

I know. 

Believing the Abused: A Clarion Call by Anna Wood

Abused women are just like you: they have the same hopes and dreams, the same feelings, the same ability to love, to hate, to feel happiness and sorrow. Some are rich, others are poor. Many are white, others are black, yellow, brown. Some are older, some younger. Some are married, others single. Some are born and bred country girls, others successful city women. Some work, some are stay-at-home moms.

None of this matters. What does matter is this: Somebody is playing with their lives, taking them down to destruction. Someone, likely a husband or a boyfriend, is treating them with indescribable cruelty.

The difference between you and them is likely as simple as this: you are loved and cherished by your beloved and they aren’t. The fault isn’t theirs. No one deserves to be abused. No one. Just like you, these women once had hope; just like you, they once dreamed of their own “happily ever after” but those dreams are silent now. Instead, the voice of one once trusted now rules their life with fear. A once loved and cherished voice now vilifies and brings condemnation.

The voice of a husband who vowed before God to cherish and protect now coldly controls and strikes fear into her heart: that’s an abused woman’s truth.

Maybe they are raped in their beds. Perhaps called upon to perform acts unspeakable or face punishment if they don’t. Sodomy, painful and vile, can make bedtime a time of nightmares that are real.

For some abused women, bruises, cuts, broken bones are their norm. Some are beaten and left to die. Others only wish for death.

Some live their entire lives in the vale of crushed and broken hearts and minds, constantly failing to measure up to a man’s demands–often a man who wishes to see them fail so he can find yet one more excuse to punish them.

Some of these women do without the things that you consider most important. Many don’t have proper clothing, proper housing, proper food or medical care.

Others are forcibly separated from family and much loved friends.

Yet, no matter how they suffer, no matter what they do without, their own suffering is nothing compared to how they hurt watching their children be abused.

Some of these abused women are sitting in your churches pews every Sunday morning. Others are your neighbor, your grocery clerk, your co-worker.

Abuse is real. It’s ugly. It’s mean and it’s cruel. Abuse kills: Sometimes by blows, often by words so horrible the spirit withers and dies.

I know of abuse: I’ve lived it. I have several friends who have lived it. My mother lived it. Some estimates say one in three women in the world live it.

So why do you choose to ignore it?

Many abused women would leave and flee to safety but they can’t: They have no money, no connections, no one to turn to, often no one who believes them. This is often true even among Christians. Pastors and church folk are notorious for ignoring the obvious, disbelieving the abused woman’s truth and sending her back into the pit with admonitions to “submit more”. Submission in a God-honoring marriage is a wonderful thing; submission in an abusive marriage just leads to more abuse. Don’t believe it if you don’t want to but it’s true–look into the statistics. And, before you discount this, answer this question: Would Jesus have told a woman to go back to her husband just so he could kill her? You might be her only hope–if you are willing to go out on a limb and listen to her story, believe her story and act on that belief. If you are willing to protect her. This isn’t about your views on divorce; this is about her life being in danger.

But will you do that? Will you believe her? It might not be easy. Who really wants to believe that someone we know is abused? Who really wants to believe that some guy we trust beats, sodomizes and verbally abuses his wife? It’s easier to ignore it, to refuse to believe the stories told in hushed tones, to pretend it isn’t happening and go on as if everything is normal. That kind of normal, if it goes on long enough, just might get her killed.

Many women I know presently live with, or have lived with, abusive husbands. You know of some too, you just may not realize it–yet.

But now you’ve been told they are there. Now you’ve been cautioned to look, to listen, to believe. The question now is: What are you going to do with this knowledge? You can turn away and pretend you don’t know; you might be successful at that–but then, what will you tell Jesus on Judgment Day? That you didn’t know it was happening–when you’ve just been told that it is? You might pass off the onus to someone else by saying, “Well, I’d help if needed but I don’t know anybody who is abused”. One out of three women is abused at some point in her life–you know somebody; you just aren’t looking for the signs or you’re not familiar with the signs. You can get familiar; there are books you can read, blogs you can visit, websites you can frequent or you can just open yourself up to listening to the abused woman, to believing her stories of abuse and step out of your comfort zone in order to protect and defend her. You are needed far more than you know.

Alone Except for God

One of the hardest things for an emotionally abused women to deal with is the everydayness of living. All around her are people who get up and do what needs to be done and do so while surrounded by those who love and support them. She has to get up and get stuff done, too, but she must do so with no support and, often, with no clue how to right the many wrongs that makes up the daily life of herself and her children. What is so simple for others often threatens to overwhelm her.

Unlike her sisters who are physically abused, few, if any, others know what she is going through. There are no scars to cover, no bruises to hide under makeup. There is only a broken heart, a crushed spirit, a life dwindling down to nothingness as she tries, step-by-weary-step, to make sense of it all.

Some days tears come unbidden, time and again, as if they will never end. Other days, she feels numb, dead inside, and no matter what happens, no matter how her abuser tries to hurt her, there are no tears left to be cried.

Often sadness threatens to overwhelm her: the loss of the love she’s never known seeps deep inside her and flows out in aching ways.

She hurts daily for her children: for what they haven’t had and for what they have had to endure. Sadness threatens to drown her as their pain mixes with her own and flows into black. If not for God, she couldn’t hold on another second.

Each day begins, each day ends and she endures through it all.

Everyday she will face the sunrise with a tiny, torn, shred of hope that perhaps today something might change. Perhaps her abuser will change (though somewhere inside she knows he won’t); and, perhaps, if he won’t, she will. Perhaps today her broken heart will begin to mend. Perhaps her children won’t ache as much. Perhaps she might, with God’s help, begin to make sense of it all and have some clue…some tiny little clue…as what to do next with the brokenness of life.

When each new sunrise comes she will get up, she will pray, and, because of her love for her children, she will try harder than anyone could possibly imagine, harder than most will ever have to try. And she will do it all unseen, unknown and alone…except for God.

But it doesn’t have to be that way. We can learn the signs of abuse. We can learn to listen, learn to weep, learn to serve. We can be there for her and for her children. We can but we probably won’t. Because we probably won’t, these women, our sisters, will continue to endure unimaginable heartache, continue to try harder than we can imagine ever having to try, continue to lean on God alone. And, one day, because we didn’t do what we could have done, we will stand before our Lord and have to answer to Him for our failure.

Hearts and Roses? Absolutely!

What do hearts, roses, kisses and hugs from a man mean to a woman who has been castigated, abused and ignored by her husband? Little, really. Words, gifts and promises don’t change things. This I know far too well so I won’t be wishing those things for you, dear reader. What I will do, instead, is this: I will say a prayer that you and your children are safe and rejoicing in the love of our Savior and in the love of one another. Any hearts and roses you get, I hope you get from your children. The true price of any others is far, far too expensive for you to have to endure.

Valentine’s Day, in the traditional sense, isn’t important to me. Couldn’t be even if I wanted it to. However, it is a very important day to me because, long ago, I chose to set this day aside to create memories of love and laughter with my children. Since then this has been a day dedicated to letting my children how very much I love them. That’s what it will be today. We’ll be using today to just enjoy one another. There’ll be games, laughter and lots and lots of love. This morning will see them enjoying homemade strawberry smoothies and tonight will find them feasting on lasagna, garlic bread and strawberry cake–all homemade by me and my children as we share the love and make memories. I’ll hide some of the little candy heart boxes and my youngest will go a little crazy trying to find them. We’ll hang up hearts and roses, beautifully drawn by my daughters. I’ll share lots and lots of hugs with my little men and my young ladies. And, in the doing, I’ll thank God for one of my greatest gifts: the blessing of being their Mom.

That’s my Valentine’s Day. That’s my gift. Twenty dozen long-stemmed roses couldn’t be better.

Wise Words on Domestic Abuse

The job of defending  and protecting the defenseless is given to us (Christians), and the buck stops here. ~ Jeff Crippen

Because abusers are great at feigning repentance and enlisting allies among clergy, an abuser’s supposed repentance should be cautiously evaluated and stress-tested over time, just as Joseph tested his brothers’ repentance before reconciling with them. Repentance is not mere words, it should be demonstrated in changed attitudes and behavior. ~ Barbara Roberts

…our Lord encourages the cries of the oppressed. The sheer number of Psalms that call out for God’s protection indicates that we serve a loving Lord who never tires of listening to and acting on the groanings of the needy. God is the righteous judge who hears every complaint of injustice and hates oppression, but he is more than a judge. He is also the One who in unfailing love comes close to his oppressed people. His listening occurs in a relationship between the weak one and the compassionate Hearer-Shepherd. ~ Edward Welch

Sadly, submission does not stop abuse. In fact, it often serves to intensify the abuse, because it gives an abusive husband a greater sense of power and helps him circumvent painful consequences for his evil behavior. ~ Mending the Soul Ministries

Christians do not understand church discipline, and as a result we are enabling the abuser by supporting his cloak of secrecy.  Of course, I think we don’t understand many things in relation to abuse simply because we don’t want to understand something that is foreign and unpleasant to us.  Well, as I heard someone say once to a whimpering young fellow who just didn’t want to grow up, “it’s time for you to suck it up and me a man!”  Another person put it this way, and it’s good advice for us – “put on your big-boy pants and grow up!”  Yes, Virginia, there really is a Satan and he has his servants all around us.  ~ Jeff Crippen

…I came to the conclusion that forgiving does not always mean forgetting, nor does it always mean that the person forgiven should bear no further consequences for his sin. Certainly when God forgives, he does not forget, nor does he absolve us of all earthly consequences for our sins, though he does absolve us of eternal punishment. Nor does the civil law “forget” the sins of those who repent of crimes. Even in personal relationships, forgiven sins cannot often be entirely forgotten. For one thing, to completely forget is often psychologically impossible. For another thing, it would be contrary to the truth simply to pretend that the sin never happened. ~ John M. Frame

The victim must be heard. As an imitator of Christ, you begin by listening to the cry of the afflicted (Ps. 10:17). ~ Edward Welch

While some clergy say very incorrect and harmful things in response to abuse, they are often silent about what does need to be said, namely, that God hates abuse and that domestic violence is sinful and unacceptable. This message is not only urgent for entire congregations, but it can be particularly empowering for abuse victims. ~ Mending the Soul Ministries

The typical abuser’s attitude is that he should be given an endless number of chances. Far too often, this is the stance of the church as well: they think that as long as the abuser shows some kind of repentance, no matter how small, he should be given another chance. And the abuser knows it, so he outwardly makes enough change to meet the church’s minimalist criteria. ~ Barbara Roberts

Real repentance shuts its mouth.  Real repentance has nothing more to say in addition to “I have sinned.”  Real repentance makes no demands.  Real repentance accepts the consequences.  Real repentance is only evident over time.  Words are cheap and easy.  Tears can be turned on quite readily.  Gifts are not that hard to purchase as peace offerings.  We must insist that abusers bring forth fruit in keeping with their claimed repentance.  Until they do, we best assume that they remain a brood of vipers. ~ Jeff Crippen

God’s Word on Abuse

Genesis 42:21 And they said one to another, We are verily guilty concerning our brother, in that we saw the anguish of his soul, when he besought us, and we would not hear; therefore is this distress come upon us.

2 Samuel 22:28 And the afflicted people thou wilt save: but thine eyes are upon the haughty, that thou mayest bring them down.

Psalm 11:5, The Lord tests the righteous, but his soul hates the wicked and the one who loves violence.

Psalms 9:9 The LORD also will be a refuge for the oppressed, a refuge in times of trouble.

Psalms 18:48 He delivereth me from mine enemies: yea, thou liftest me up above those that rise up against me: thou hast delivered me from the violent man.

Psalms 22:24 For he hath not despised nor abhorred the affliction of the afflicted; neither hath he hid his face from him; but when he cried unto him, he heard.

Psalms 72:14 He shall redeem their soul from deceit and violence: and precious shall their blood be in his sight.

Genesis 42:21 And they said one to another, We are verily guilty concerning our brother, in that we saw the anguish of his soul, when he besought us, and we would not hear; therefore is this distress come upon us.

2 Samuel 22:28 And the afflicted people thou wilt save: but thine eyes are upon the haughty, that thou mayest bring them down.

Psalm 11:5, The Lord tests the righteous, but his soul hates the wicked and the one who loves violence.

Psalms 9:9 The LORD also will be a refuge for the oppressed, a refuge in times of trouble.

Psalms 18:48 He delivereth me from mine enemies: yea, thou liftest me up above those that rise up against me: thou hast delivered me from the violent man.

Psalms 22:24 For he hath not despised nor abhorred the affliction of the afflicted; neither hath he hid his face from him; but when he cried unto him, he heard.

Psalms 72:14 He shall redeem their soul from deceit and violence: and precious shall their blood be in his sight.

Psalms 140:12 I know that the LORD will maintain the cause of the afflicted, and the right of the poor.

Psalms 103:6 The LORD executeth righteousness and judgment for all that are oppressed.

Psalms 146:7 Which executeth judgment for the oppressed: which giveth food to the hungry. The LORD looseth the prisoners:

Psalms 82: 3-4, Vindicate the weak and fatherless; Do justice to the afflicted and destitute. Rescue the weak and needy; Deliver them out of the hand of the wicked.

Proverbs 10:6 Blessings are upon the head of the just: but violence covereth the mouth of the wicked.

Proverbs 10:11 The mouth of a righteous man is a well of life: but violence covereth the mouth of the wicked.

Proverbs 11: 29 He that troubleth his own house shall inherit the wind: and the fool shall be servant to the wise of heart.

Proverbs 22: 8 Whoever sows injustice will reap calamity, and the rod of his fury will fail. (ESV)

Proverbs 22: 10 Drive out a scoffer, and strife will go out, and quarreling and abuse will cease. (ESV)

Proverbs 31:9 Open thy mouth, judge righteously, and plead the cause of the poor and needy.

Isaiah 1:17 Learn to do well; seek judgment, relieve the oppressed, judge the fatherless, plead for the widow.

Isaiah 35:3,4 Strengthen ye the weak hands, and confirm the feeble knees. Say to them that are of a fearful heart, Be strong, fear not: behold, your God will come with vengeance, even God with a recompence; he will come and save you.

Jeremiah 22:3 Thus saith the LORD; Execute ye judgment and righteousness, and deliver the spoiled out of the hand of the oppressor: and do no wrong, do no violence to the stranger, the fatherless, nor the widow, neither shed innocent blood in this place.

Malachi 2: 16 …and I hate a man’s covering himself with violence as well as with his garment” says the Lord Almighty.

Matthew 5:21, 22 Ye have heard that it was said by them of old time, Thou shalt not kill; and whosoever shall kill shall be in danger of the judgment: But I say unto you, That whosoever is angry with his brother without a cause shall be in danger of the judgment: and whosoever shall say to his brother, Raca, shall be in danger of the council: but whosoever shall say, Thou fool, shall be in danger of hell fire.

Matthew 18:10, See that you do not despise one of these little ones. For I tell you that in heaven their angels always see the face of my Father who is in heaven.

Colossians 3:19, Husbands, love your wives, and be not bitter against them.

Galatians 6:2 Bear ye one another’s burdens, and so fulfil the law of Christ.

Galatians 5:19-21, Now the works of the flesh are evident: sexual immorality, impurity, sensuality, idolatry, sorcery, enmity, strife, jealousy, fits of anger, rivalries, dissensions, divisions, envy, drunkenness, orgies, and things like these. I warn you, as I warned you before, that those who do such things will not inherit the kingdom of God.

Ephesians 4:29-32, Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you. (ESV)

Ephesians 5:25, Husbands, love your own wives, even as also the Christ loved the assembly, and gave up himself for it;

Ephesians 6: 4, And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.

2 Timothy 3: 1-5, But understand this, that in the last days there will come times of difficulty. ² For people will be lovers of self, lovers of money, proud, arrogant, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, ³ heartless, unappeasable, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not loving good, ⁴ treacherous, reckless, swollen with conceit, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God, ⁵ having the appearance of godliness, but denying its power.Avoid such people. 

Hebrews 12:12 Wherefore lift up the hands which hang down, and the feeble knees;

Hebrews 13:3 Remember them that are in bonds, as bound with them; and them which suffer adversity, as being yourselves also in the body.

James 1: 19, 20, Wherefore, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath: For the wrath of man worketh not the righteousness of God.

James 1:26 If any man among you seem to be religious, and bridleth not his tongue, but deceiveth his own heart, this man’s religion is vain.

James 3:10 Out of the same mouth proceedeth blessing and cursing. My brethren, these things ought not so to be.

 

Whose Job is it? Taking Responsibility to Act in Behalf of Abuse Victims – by Jeff Crippen (via A Cry For Justice)

It is our job, given to us by Christ, to protect the defenseless.  The civil authorities are appointed by Christ to strike fear into the evildoer (Romans 13), but there is another institution appointed by Christ that also bears the responsibility and that is the Church.  Us.  Christians.  If we are to obey Christ then we must acknowledge and shoulder this responsibility.  But in many cases, we are not doing so.  In previous articles, we exposed the many devices used by churches, pastors and individual Christians to “pass the buck.”  Ultimately, we cannot pass it.  The job of defending  and protecting the defenseless is given to us, and the buck stops here.

In his history of the Second World War, Volume I, Winston Churchill documents how denial, a dangerous naiveté about “peace in our time,” and other foolish ideas resulted in the near destruction of Britain at the hands of Hitler.  There were years and years before the war when many warnings were given that Germany was re-arming in violation of the Treaty of Versailles.  Buck was passed.  Black and white was denied.  No action was taken.  And eventually the slaughter began.  Churchill said that in those years, he was reminded of some lines he read in a cartoon book when he was only a child.  And this is how they read -

To read in full, please go to Whose Job is it? Taking Responsibility to Act in Behalf of Abuse Victims – by Jeff Crippen.

Why Don’t We See What’s Going On? The Churches Response to Domestic Abuse by Anna Wood and Jeff Crippen

(With many thanks to Barbara Roberts for her suggestions.)

Here’s some thoughts on why the church isn’t dealing properly with domestic abuse in its midst and why victims are so often discounted:

1. Domestic abuse, at its core, is hard to believe, hard to accept and very hard to understand.  Abusers are incredibly deceptive.

2. Men who abuse their wives are masters at control and manipulation.

3. We think we “know” these men, think that they are godly, thus, it’s easier to dismiss her than accuse him.

4. We want to believe that domestic abuse only happens in “those” kind of families and thus fail to realize it could happen to those we know.

5. Pastors don’t know how to separate submission in normal families from submission in abusive families.

6. Pastors aren’t prepared to deal with domestic abuse: they aren’t trained in recognizing it or handling it and thus they haven’t trained their people.

7. We are more concerned with form than with truth.  Truth rocks our world.

8. Pastors don’t realize when they are being enlisted as allies by abusers.

9. Pastors don’t realise that neutrality is NOT neutral.

10.  It is much easier to side with the powerful than with the weak.  Abusers are usually the powerful party. Victims are the weak.

11.  Most evangelical churches today embrace and teach very bad theology.  To them, a Christian is someone who SAYS they believe in Jesus, even though their life remains unchanged.

12.  In conservative, Bible-believing churches (that’s a good thing to be), men are the leaders.  Even godly men can be blind to their partiality to other men.

13.  Abuse cases are traumatic.  We don’t like to look at mangled bodies in a car wreck, so we turn away.  The same thing can happen when an abuse victim comes to us asking for help.

14.  Abuse cases can have far-reaching and serious consequences that are foreign to us.  Like, trials, courts, jail, prison, and divorce.  We don’t like to admit that such things could exist in our world.

15.  Victims are often confused about what is happening to them.  They haven’t come to the point of understanding abuse.  So when they come to us, they often doubt themselves.  So we don’t give real credence to their claims.

16.  Fear.  To step up to the plate and deal properly with an abuser and his victim may split our churches.  A pastor standing for justice and truth could lose his job.

For Wives Of Husbands Who Don’t

Ephesians 5: 25, “Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it;”

Ephesians 5: 28, “So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself.”

Ephesians 5: 33, “Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself;….”

(So many wives who have husbands who don’t…

just don’t…

this is for them.)

Once upon a time, long, long ago,

in the golden field of forever

before God

and everyone else

we said “I do”

and I believed you.

And I got busy doing

and you didn’t.

And I cried.

Long, long ago and not so far away,

I entered into our ever-after

longing to serve God with you;

with hopes for laughter

and loving memories

and dreaming of dreams

that really would come true…

only they didn’t.

For you entered our marriage

with dreams of playing, having fun

and escaping as much responsibility

as you possibly could.

And one by one,

I watched as my dreams shattered

into millions of pieces

right alongside my broken heart.

And I cried.

In desperation I turned my attention

to pleasing you,

even if it meant losing me,

while you turned your attention

to pleasing yourself

even if it meant hurting me.

When I’d pour out my hurt to you

expecting you to care,

you would deny having done anything wrong.

And then you would say that you

were surprised at my selfishness

for wanting your attention

when you had other things, better things,

to consume it.

You would say that I was suffocating you

by needing you so.

Then, time and time again,

you told me to go away

and leave you alone.

Slowly I grew weary of tears.

Alone and lonely,

under the disappearing rainbow,

I decided to try once more

(again and again)

to please you,

to be the kind of wife that you

would want to come home to,

to give you all I had to give,

and more,

and you never even noticed.

So I turned aside from crying,

gathered the fractured remains of our lives

and buried myself in God.

I began to build on the Truth

which you could neither see nor understand.

I built for a future that would stand firm,

that would someday mean something,

even if you yourself never noticed.

A few years ago tomorrow and in the land of lullabies,

I continued to build

for a hopeful someday.

I built it on the laughter of little ones,

on shared joys with them

and together we finally had fun.

And you buried yourself in yet more sleep,

endless errands,

another television program

and too many movies to count.

But somehow

the laughter of little children broke through my tears.

Once upon a time I dreamed of pleasing you

but no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t.

Once upon a time, so many, many times,

you didn’t notice

the tears streaming down my face

or pouring forth from my shattered heart.

You never saw how your words destroyed us,

how your actions broke us into,

how afraid we were.

And the years crept by

and you held firmly to your nothingness

secure in the fact that you were the boss

and could do what you wanted,

say what you wanted,

break us when you wanted. 

You could do anything

no matter what

we might want,

no matter how it hurt us.

And, through the pain, we held on to God.

Today, after far too long,

I will finally make things right

that should have been right all along.

I will build a peaceful haven around you

because I cannot build it with you.

And you will still be there 

asleep in your chair

as mindless chatter issues forth

from a place of despair inside a box

that is far more important to you than I ever was.

So now

the wife you ignored

and

the children you never had time for

will go forward together towards tomorrow.

We will miss the you

that could have been

but wasn’t

and the memories we might have made with you

but didn’t.

And, though you are self-consumed,

and will continue on as always,

though you threaten and fuss,

yell and accuse,

it no longer matters

for the Truth has set us free.

By God’s grace,

as today turns into a thousand tomorrows,

the children and I will grow into who we might have been

before you tried to destroy us through your words,

before you sought to reduce us,

by your anger, to nothingness,

before you, by lack of planning,

by repeated failure,

took everything from us.

We will build for a future that will work

though nothing you’ve built ever has.

And, as the relentless stream of time

gathers and flows,

deep within your cocoon of sameness

you won’t even notice

what we will have done.

And, as days give way to years,

by God’s mercy,

finally,

there will be no more tears.

Deal Breakers and Monkey Love by IdaMae

Women talk to me. Not sure why. Maybe it’s this strange tendency to laugh inappropriately during confessional sessions. More likely,  my Christian pedigree worked the magic– pastor’s daughter, pastor’s granddaughter, pastor’s great-granddaughter. We attended my father’s church for years, my household appeared to be in order, therefore surely I’m an expert on the ways of matrimony. The whole ‘older women instructing the younger’ kicked in somewhere around thirty-five despite the fact I didn’t have a swinging clue.

I did not cultivate bleeding hearts by the front door, they just appeared right and left. Quite possibly the teaching in our church contributed—just as politics or law enforcement tends to attract a certain personality type, the heavy emphasis on the wife’s submission  and patriarchal headship attracted men with an abusive streak, . I’m going to go with that theory and believe our churches were top-heavy with abusive men because the atmosphere made them feel all warm and snuggly rather than the cynical viewpoint that most men are abusive.

The Blind Shall See

For years, I did not understand what I was hearing. I spent lots of time waving my hands about and squealing. I tried tooffer help but generally said something lame like, ‘my husband can be pretty difficult at times too.” or “when I figure this out, I’ll write a book and we’ll move to Reno.” They thought I was joking. Silly women.

Once upon a time, I was a highly social person. When I left, only a couple of good friends remained, both  blessed by the anti-husband’s seal of approval. Nice ladies who I loved dearly, but the fact remains, when I broke ranks, I lost their companionship.

Let’s take a moment while I feel sorry for myself a little.

***

During those years of informal counseling sessions, I did learn to recognize the difference between a difficult man and an impossible one. The difficult  might….

To read in full, please go to http://thoroughlychristiandivorce.wordpress.com/2012/02/02/deal-breakers-and-monkey-love/#wpl-likebox

A Song for Abused Women Everywhere: Twenty Miles From Nowhere by Marc Derose

Is Emotional Abuse Really Abuse? by Anna Wood and Jeff Crippen (via A Cry For Justice)

Husband: “Dinner isn’t ready? You knew I would be home at this time and you failed to have my dinner ready?”       Wife: “It’s almost ready, honey. Just needs about 10 more minutes and then….”                                                                       Husband: “Hhmph. I’m not waiting. I’ll go out and buy my own dinner.”

“I’m in charge here. I’m the head of this house. You will not cross me!”

“When are you going to get off that jag? I’m tired of hearing about (whatever his wife’s interest is).”

“You’re no fun. Why can’t you be more like other wives?”

“You’re too prudish. You bore me.”

“I’m smarter than you are. You’re really lucky that I married you.”

“By marrying you, I married beneath myself; you really ought to be glad I rescued you.”

“You have no rights. You’re just a woman. You need to be punished just for being a woman.”

“You’re so selfish. Stop suffocating me. I’ll do what I want when I want. You aren’t going to control me!”

Husbands are commanded in Scripture to treat their wives gently. They are to be servant-leaders who love their wives the same way that Christ loved the church. Yet, statistics tell us that isn’t always the case: one out of every four women is abused in some way by their husband.

It’s easy to understand physical abuse. We can see it. It makes sense, can be defined: She’s got a nasty burn, a broken bone, a black eye. She may even be dead. Emotional abuse is much harder to understand because it can’t be seen. The results of emotional abuse can be seen, however, and they aren’t pretty. Hearts are wounded by harsh words. Hope is destroyed. Lives are left in shambles. The woman who is subjected to emotional abuse on an on-going basis is going to eventually start believing her abuser’s lies. With the belief comes a form of death. Sadly, not just for her but, also, for any children the couple may have.

To read in full, please go to Is Emotional Abuse Really Abuse? by Anna Wood and Jeff Crippen.

How to Respond When a Woman is Being Abused – by Anna Wood and Jeff Crippen (via A Cry For Justice)

Psalms 9: 9, “The LORD is a stronghold for the oppressed, a stronghold in times of trouble.”

Romans 12: 15, “Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep.”

If a woman comes to you telling nearly unbelievable stories of abuse, it is imperative that you listen to her, believe her and try to find ways to help her. She may never get the chance to share her story again. Many women never find the courage or opportunity to share their stories of abuse at all. Some who do take the chance and tell are doing so under the threat of severe consequences to herself or to her children if her abuser ever found out.

The first thing she needs is to know that you are willing to listen to her. She is afraid, she is hurting, she is fearful. Acknowledge her pain. If need be, give a label to what is happening to her. She may not even realize that what she is experiencing is abuse.  [Of course, this requires that WE have taken the time and effort to find out what abuse is so that we are prepared to help.  Otherwise we will just be one more Christian who enables the abuser and adds to the victim's suffering].

As she shares her story, ask her questions: how long has this been happening to her, what is happening, how often has it been happening? Don’t crowd her. Don’t push her. Just try to listen and understand.

To read in full, please go to  How to Respond When a Woman is Being Abused – by Anna Wood and Jeff Crippen.

David – A Case Study in Real Repentance by Jeff Crippen (via A Cry For Justice)

Because repentance is so often feigned by the abuser, it is extremely important for us, as well as victims, to understand what real repentance looks like. Here is a truly repentant man – King David. He had sinned horribly. He had murdered, committed adultery – and did it all against a most loyal subject and the Lord Himself. Now he is confronted by Nathan the Prophet. Read the story and see if you can identify characteristics of his real repentance – (NOTE:The parable of the Prodigal Son is another excellent place to learn about the characteristics of genuine repentance (Luke 15).

To read in full, please go toDavid – A Case Study in Real Repentance by Jeff Crippen.

 

Saul – A Case Study in False Repentance by Jeff Crippen (via A Cry For Justice)

As anyone familiar with the mentality and tactics of the abuser knows, false repentance is a common ploy of such people.  They can be very convincing. They have changed. What they did was wrong, but they are finished with it forever. If their victim will only forgive them, all will be well. So it is vital that all of us – victims, Christians, pastors, counselors – become wise and discerning rather than naive and foolishly trusting.

King Saul was an abusive man. I think that is safe to say. Anyone so jealous that the would launch a spear at one of their most loyal subjects certainly qualifies for the abuser label. And Saul played the “repentance” card very well. It didn’t work, of course, because he was trying to deceive the Lord Himself by deceiving the prophet Samuel. Trying to fool God is never a really good idea!  Here is the account of just one of Saul’s attempts at convincing everyone he was really, really sorry. For the full account, read the entire 15th chapter of 1 Samuel. Also, you will find another very similar event in 1 Samuel 13.

To read in full, please go to Saul – A Case Study in False Repentance by Jeff Crippen.

 

The Abuse Victim as Widow – by Jeff Crippen

Reblogged from A Cry For Justice:

Exodus 22:22 You shall not mistreat any widow or fatherless child. Deuteronomy 10:17-18 For the LORD your God is God of gods and Lord of lords, the great, the mighty, and the awesome God, who is not partial and takes no bribe. (18) He executes justice for the fatherless and the widow, and loves the sojourner, giving him food and clothing. Psalms 94:6 They kill the widow and the sojourner, and murder the fatherless; James 1:27 Religion that is pure and undefiled before God, the Father, is this: to visit …