Pastors Shepherding Abused Sheep

Abuse in the home is a subject near to my heart for many, very personal, reasons. I’m far too familiar with the subject in far too many ways to pretend it doesn’t need to be addressed. Abuse has invaded the lives of many family members, many friends. I was born into a family broken by abuse. I’ve seen it invade the lives of those I love. I know what it does, what it can do. I have seen how it destroys the lives of those affected by it. I have no compassion, no patience, for abusers. Nor do I have compassion for those who would shelter abusers, deny the abuse is happening or choose to look the other way. That folks who have not known abuse first-hand would fear coming close to it, I can understand–though Christian compassion ought to cause us to overcome our fear and help the abused. I can’t, however, understand the determination to pretend it isn’t real or to come down hard on the one (usually a woman) who is abused. Abuse isn’t catching but it is real. Often, those who are living in abuse, have no idea what to do, no one to turn to and are desperately frightened. Often, it is at great personal cost that the abused comes forth with the truth. If her abuser finds out she has come forth with truth, more often than not, she will pay for the telling. Some women pay with their lives. The harm that is done when church folks ignore her cries for help or fail to believe her story, is far, far greater than one who hasn’t faced it could ever know.

Most pastors fail at this. Statistics bear this out.

So, Pastors, please, if a woman (or, at times, a man) comes to you or to your church with a shocking story of abuse take time out of your day and listen. Believe her story. Offer her comfort, pray with her, offer her hope. If you don’t know how to advise her, find out. There are places where she can receive help, agencies she can turn to. It might be good to keep a list of these agencies in your office and be familiar with the people who work there. There’s things your church can do to help her (and your church ought to be the safest place an abused woman can run to). Some possibilities would be: offer her a safe place to stay (perhaps in a member’s home), offer her food and clothing for herself and her children (since many abuse victims live in poverty), help her find a lawyer who specializes in abuse, help her find a job if she needs one, encourage your members to show love towards her children by doing something special for them (for they, too, have been through trauma) or simply sit and listen as she tells her story and tries to make sense of it all.

Whatever you do, don’t do what so many Pastors have done before: don’t refuse to listen, don’t fail to believe her, don’t send her back into the abuse, don’t tell her it’s just an anger issue, don’t tell her the abuse is her fault or that she needs to be more submissive. If you do, you will fail her in her hour of greatest need. Moreover, you will fail our Lord Who has called you to shepherd His sheep–even the abused ones.

When a Woman Says She Has Been Abused

Psalms 9: 9, “The LORD is a stronghold for the oppressed, a stronghold in times of trouble.”

Romans 12: 15, “Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep.”

If a woman comes to you telling nearly unbelievable stories of abuse, it is imperative that you listen to her, believe her and try to find ways to help her. She may never get the chance to share her story again. Many women never find the courage or opportunity to share their stories of abuse at all. Some who do take the chance and tell are doing so under the threat of severe consequences to herself or to her children if her abuser ever found out.

The first thing she needs is to know that you are willing to listen to her. She is afraid, she is hurting, she is fearful. Acknowledge her pain. If need be, give a label to what is happening to her. She may not even realize that what she is experiencing is abuse.  [Of course, this requires that WE have taken the time and effort to find out what abuse is so that we are prepared to help.  Otherwise we will just be one more Christian who enables the abuser and adds to the victim's suffering].

As she shares her story, ask her questions: how long has this been happening to her, what is happening, how often has it been happening? Don’t crowd her. Don’t push her. Just try to listen and understand.

Don’t tell her “this is your fault” or say things like “if you’d been more submissive, this wouldn’t be happening”. She’s probably more submissive than most other women in your church. Most abused women are. So telling her to serve her husband better, be more gentle, show him more love, tell him “I love you” or “I respect you” more often, isn’t going to do any good. She’s probably already tried all of these and more. If she were a disgruntled wife these things would be appropriate. In cases of abuse, they’re not. Abusers simply take advantage of their wives (or husbands) who try these things.

Find out what kind of help she needs and see if you can help her to find it. Be discreet. Let her know you will support her in every way that you can (go to the police with her if she needs you to do so, help her find a lawyer if she needs one, help her out with her children, help her out with housework or food, offer transportation, support her financially if she needs it and you can, pray always).

Don’t tell her what to do. Listen and support her but let the end decisions be hers.

Stay in touch with her. Call her. Go by and check on her. Be her friend. Let her know she was wise to try to find help (she needs to know that).

Read God’s Word with her and pray with her. Let her know that abuse is wrong in God’s eyes and that He is the defender of the weak. If she is not a Christian, introduce her to Christ.

In essence, serve her as Jesus would. That’s what we as His servants are called to do.

Lepers in the Kingdom of God

2 Corinthians 1: 3, 4, “Blessed be God, even the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies, and the God of all comfort;Who comforteth us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort them which are in any trouble, by the comfort wherewith we ourselves are comforted of God.”

There are times when God’s people face extraordinary difficulties. Though we know He is there, it can feel as if we will be broken from the weight of our burdens. We falter, we fail and, often, we complain, but God comes along side of us in our pain. Grace alone upholds us. Sadly, though, ofttimes when God’s children face such circumstances, other Christ-followers react in shock and turn from us, ignoring the very burdens they themselves could make lighter through some act of compassion. At those times, added to our burden of pain, fear, poverty, illness, abandonment, abuse or a thousand other difficulties, we now have to bear the burden of human aloneness. Though Christians are told in Holy Scripture that we are to “weep with those who weep” just as much as we “rejoice with those who rejoice”, it is a rare thing to find those who will. It is as if we who suffer are lepers in the Kingdom of God.

A common approach to ministering to those in distress, especially distress that has a less-than-physical cause, is to lay the blame for a fellow Christian’s pain fully back on them. Like Job’s questionable friends, we accuse, castigate and condemn without ever stopping to think that we might be wrong in our accusations. Or, if we are perhaps a bit more loving in our approach, we tell the suffering one that “time will help you to get over it” or that “things really aren’t as bad as they seem” (ignoring the fact that they very well may be worse than we can hope to imagine): if they’ve been abused by their spouse, we tell them that the other person “didn’t mean it”, or that they’ve “misunderstood”, or “if only you’d been better, done better, prayed more, tried harder or had more faith, this wouldn’t have happened”; if they’ve suffered great losses of the heart and of the mind, we tell them “the sun will still come up tomorrow” or “it could be worse, you know”, or, in some other sorry way, mitigate their pain, their sorrow, their loss.

I, like most, have known quite a few difficulties in my life. Over the last few years, the difficulties multiplied tremendously and one part of my life, and then another, and another, gave way. And, though in some ways, rebuilding has begun, in others, life is uncertain and continues to be full of pain.  God in His graciousness, has, over the last couple of years, seen fit to give me a very few select travelers who not only understand but in some way share an intimate knowledge of my burdens for they’ve oft suffered in many of the same ways and, more importantly, who know the value of trusting God in difficulties and taking what we’ve learned and becoming comforters. Many times we’ve been able to comfort each other. For these precious few I daily thank God.

But besides these precious ones, when I’ve tried to share my pain with fellow Christians or, sadly even with leaders within the church, when I’ve dared to ask for prayers or guidance, when I’ve tried to explain my sorrows or sought to unburden myself (at those times when I can carry the burdens no longer), I’ve known the additional pain of being stared at in doubt, misunderstanding, even anger and confusion. All before the one I’d prayerfully turned to blanches and changes the subject, makes accusations, explains away my pain, or, more commonly, silently ignores the fact that I ever turned to them to begin with. As it is and has been with me so it is with many who suffer. It seems doubly so for those who have been abused.

Are we really called by God to cast sorrow upon original sorrow by castigating and accusing those who are already wounded? Do we honor our Lord by ignoring their suffering, by changing the subject, denigrating their pain, refusing to listen? Do we bestow grace by walking away? Do we show Christ-likeness by refusing to try to understand simply because we don’t want to? Are we so callous as to allow our misunderstanding to cause us to fail to seek the truth and, through our failing, perhaps even become a pawn in the hand of Satan, an instrument used by him to pour salt into a fellow Christian’s open, bleeding, wounds? All of this in the Name of our precious Lord? Sadly, from my experiences and those of many I have known, these responses are often the norm.

To say we believe God is one thing. To live as if we believe is quite another. Let us lean on our Lord in our pain,partake of His succor and, from our experiences, learn to become comforters to others so that, when a suffering abused one turns to us, we may respond to those who weep and mourn in a way that shows we live what we say we believe.  When confronted by life’s wounded, pray we remember that the Lord has taught us, in Matthew 25: 40, “And the King shall answer and say unto them, Verily I say unto you, Inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto me.”

Not Defined By Abuse

I’m so much more than a women who has been trapped in an abusive situation. I’m a Southerner, a Mama (of quite a few actually), a homeschooler, a blogger, a writer, a pet owner…among many other possible descriptions. Most of all I’m a daughter of the Lord. Many terms can be used to describe me. That’s great because, though I’ve been affected by abuse, I don’t want to be defined by it. I imagine that most women (or men) who have suffered through an abusive relationship don’t want to be defined by it. Yet, often, that’s what ends up happening–at least in the eyes of others.

“Oh, that’s Alice. Did you know her husband abused her?”

“Her name is Pam. Her ex-husband used to refuse to let her leave the house without his permission.”

“That’s Mark. His ex- was verbally abusive, I hear. Sad, him being a man and all.”

That’s not who we are. We don’t want to spend our whole life being thought of as someone who lived through abuse. We want to be thought of as Alice…painter of beautiful pictures. Pam…cook extraordinaire. Or, in the case of guys, Mark…master carpenter. Possibly we wish to be thought of as a women with a lovely laugh, a great friend, a funny guy, serious, kind, generous. Anything except as “Abused”. It’s a stigma we don’t deserve. Oh, yes, it happened to us but no way is it going to define us.

It’s not easy getting free. It’s so hard coming to an understanding of what has happened to you. Getting to the point of knowing and then of confessing “I’ve been abused”–it’s so hard. So hard. It’s embarrassing. It feels shameful (though the shame ought to be on the one who did the abusing). It’s spirit killing. We don’t need to be reminded of it our whole lives. We are so much more than “abused”. We are daughters. Sons. Mothers. Fathers. Cooks. Readers. Students. Children of God.

Yeah. Yeah, we are. And it feels really great to say it.

Deceived: a song by an abused woman

One of my readers shared this song with me. It is one she herself wrote and sung. It flows from the pain of having lived through an abusive relationship.

Domestic Abuse and Good Samaritans by Anna Wood

Luke 10:30-37, “And Jesus answering said, A certain man went down from Jerusalem to Jericho, and fell among thieves, which stripped him of his raiment, and wounded him, and departed, leaving him half dead. And by chance there came down a certain priest that way: and when he saw him, he passed by on the other side. And likewise a Levite, when he was at the place, came and looked on him, and passed by on the other side. But a certain Samaritan, as he journeyed, came where he was: and when he saw him, he had compassion on him, And went to him, and bound up his wounds, pouring in oil and wine, and set him on his own beast, and brought him to an inn, and took care of him. And on the morrow when he departed, he took out two pence, and gave them to the host, and said unto him, Take care of him; and whatsoever thou spendest more, when I come again, I will repay thee. Which now of these three, thinkest thou, was neighbour unto him that fell among the thieves? And he said, He that shewed mercy on him. Then said Jesus unto him, Go, and do thou likewise.”

 

Every Sunday women and children whose hearts and lives are daily broken by the cruelty of husbands and fathers who intentionally destroy them with caustic words or through cruel physical attacks are sitting in church pews around the country. If you look into their faces, these women and children are likely smiling, trying to convince themselves and others that all is well. But, if you take the time to come closer, look deeper, you will see their pain filled eyes, their crushed and broken spirits.

These wounded ones are among us; they are our sisters, our daughters, our friends, our children’s friends. Perhaps, due to God’s grace alone, they are not in every church but, nonetheless, they are in far more churches than we have cared to realize. God has brought them in among us and fidelity to Christ demands that we acknowledge it and deal with it in a way that honors Him. In the story of the Good Samaritan, Jesus decried the Priest and the Levite who passed by the man who had been beaten and left for dead. When we ignore victims of domestic abuse who are right in our midst, are we not reacting as they did? When we refuse to acknowledge that domestic violence exists in our churches, when we downplay the damage done by abusers, when we  shun the victims because we don’t want to believe their stories, we are walking on by the wounded and leaving them for dead.

It is past time for the Good Samaritans in our churches to stand up and acknowledge that abuse does happen in supposed Christian homes. We must take time to listen to those who risk so much to share their stories; moreover, we must believe them. Then we must be willing to stand with them, to protect and to defend.

When victims come to the church with their stories of abuse by men that we are so sure are good Christian husbands and fathers, they are either disbelieved, are accused of exaggerating the abuse or  they are sent back in to the fray with orders to love more, submit more, forgive more. But, would we do the same? If we were faced with someone who daily came into our homes, determined to attack and destroy, how many of us would respond as we demand these victims respond? Many Pastors tell the victims of domestic abuse to submit to whatever their husbands dish out and to do it in the name of submission to Christ. This type of response is nothing but sin.

There is no place for softness in dealing with abuse within our homes. Yet, in many churches, the courage needed to confront abuse is sadly lacking. We desperately need courage: courage to confront abusers, courage to teach church members about abuse, courage to protect and defend the abused, courage to speak up when one of “our own” is the abuser and, above all, courage to believe the victims stories in the first place. We must do whatever is called for in order to protect the wounded who are right within our congregations or we risk disobeying our Lord: the same Lord Who has called us to love our brethren as we love ourselves. We have no choice then but to protect, to love, to serve and to defend the least of these for Jesus’ COMMAND to us is go and do likewise.  Any so-called Christianity that simply says to a victim “Lord bless you,” and then moves on to other things while leaving one to suffer abuse is a false religion.

Who among us wants to be in a battle alone? No one, of course, and yet, all too often, that’s what we’re insisting these wives and children of abusers do: stand alone, manage alone, suffer alone. If we continue to turn these victims away, are we not making a statement about our faith? To claim we love God is one thing, but to really show we love Him requires commitment. In the story of the Good Samaritan, in order to pass by the man beaten and left for dead, the Priest and Levite had to intentionally blind their eyes, harden their hearts and rationalize an excuse. If we continue to ignore the abuse victims in our midst, are we not guilty of the very same things?

It is costly to get involved in the lives of those wounded by domestic abuse but it is even more costly not to. To fail to serve those most in need of our time, efforts and attention is to fail to serve the Lord Jesus Christ Himself for it is He Who has told us “And the King will answer them, ‘Truly, I say to you, as you did it to one of the least of these my brothers, you did it to me.’ (Matthew 25: 40)

Others May, You Cannot by G.D. Watson

“If anyone wishes to come after Me, he must deny himself, and take up his cross and follow Me. For whoever wishes to save his life will lose it; but whoever loses his life for My sake will find it.”
(Matthew 16:24-25)

If God has called you to be truly like Jesus in all your spirit, He will draw you into a life of crucifixion and humility. He will put on you such demands of obedience that you will not be allowed to follow other Christians. In many ways, He seems to let other good people do things which He will not let you do.

Others who seem to be very religious and useful may push themselves, pull wires, and scheme to carry out their plans, but you cannot. If you attempt it, you will meet with such failure and rebuke from the Lord as to make you sorely penitent.

Others can brag about themselves, their work, their successes, their writings, but the Holy Spirit will not allow you to do any such thing. If you begin to do so, He will lead you into some deep mortification that will make you despise yourself and all your good works.

Others will be allowed to succeed in making great sums of money, or having a legacy left to them, or in having luxuries, but God may supply you only on a day-to-day basis, because He wants you to have something far better than gold, a helpless dependence on Him and His unseen treasury.

The Lord may let others be honored and put forward while keeping you hidden in obscurity because He wants to produce some choice, fragrant fruit for His coming glory, which can only be produced in the shade.

God may let others be great, but keep you small. He will let others do a work for Him and get the credit, but He will make you work and toil without knowing how much you are doing. Then, to make your work still more precious, He will let others get the credit for the work which you have done; this to teach you the message of the Cross, humility, and something of the value of being cloaked with His nature.

The Holy Spirit will put a strict watch on you, and with a jealous love rebuke you for careless words and feelings, or for wasting your time, which other Christians never seem distressed over.

So make up your mind that God is an infinite Sovereign and has a right to do as He pleases with His own, and that He may not explain to you a thousand things which may puzzle your reason in His dealings with you.

God will take you at your word. If you absolutely sell yourself to be His slave, He will wrap you up in a jealous love and let other people say and do many things that you cannot. Settle it forever; you are to deal directly with the Holy Spirit, He is to have the privilege of tying your tongue or chaining your hand or closing your eyes in ways which others are not dealt with. However, know this great secret of the Kingdom: When you are so completely possessed with the Living God that you are, in your secret heart, pleased and delighted over this peculiar, personal, private, jealous guardianship and management of the Holy Spirit over your life, you will have found the vestibule of heaven, the high calling of God.