Arsenal of Words by Anna Wood

Psalms 82: 3, Give justice to the weak and the fatherless; maintain the right of the afflicted and the destitute.

Is abuse only abuse if it is physical? Does it take a woman being beaten by her husband to say she’s been abused by him? Often that is the perception but, when talking to abuse survivors, it is the verbal and emotional abuse that they usually cite as having been the toughest to deal with. Physical abuse never happens in isolation. There is always some form of emotional and verbal abuse that accompanies it. Domestic abuse in any form is all about control: the abuser doesn’t just want to wound, he wants to control and to destroy.

Verbal abuse takes apart its victim bit by bit. It eats away at her until she is no more. Some abusers never beat their partners; it isn’t because they care enough not to, it is because they don’t have to. Some abusers are so skilled with words as weapons that they can intimidate, humiliate, put down and threaten without ever lifting a finger towards their partners.  In short, they are controlling them and destroying them.

Verbal abuse is immensely destructive: its victims feel helpless, less than, unimportant. Long-term affects of verbal abuse include feeling broken, being unable to trust, incapacity to make decisions, failure to believe in themselves or in anyone else. The stress that accompanies such abuse can have far reaching physical effects.

So why does the abuse victim listen? Couldn’t they fire back? Ignore the accusations? Refuse to believe the garbage that’s spewed on them?

Put yourself in their place for a moment: Imagine being attacked for every little thing you do or say. Imagine regularly being told that you are stupid, ugly, unimportant, lazy, selfish, no good, evil, cruel. Imagine not being able to escape it. Imagine listening to it day after day, year after year, decade after decade. Over time, the cruel words start to define you.

Now imagine that such a woman has come into your fellowship. She’s hesitatingly told you her story of verbal abuse. She’s scared. She’s alone. She has no clue how to protect her children, how to protect herself, how to even keep on going. What are you going to do?

What would Jesus do? We like to ask that, don’t we? Now answer it.

 

A Peek Inside My Heart by Anna Wood

When it comes to abuse, it’s very difficult for me to share my heart. I can state the facts all day long as long as I can remain somewhat distanced from it all; what happened to me, what happened to them. What abuse is. That’s easy: black and white, cut and dry. Abuse is sin and sin is wrong. Case closed.

Or maybe not so closed.

See, all that black and white is easy to discuss when you’re only talking facts: even saying this happened to me is easy as long as it’s from a distance, as long as my heart can stay divorced from it. But it doesn’t want to. Not anymore. Abuse has affected me; at times it’s threatened to destroy me. It affects my children. My family history is full of stories of abuse. I’m rather sick and tired of it. My heart has finally gotten brave enough to let me share peeks inside it without worrying about what others are going to think so I’m going to do just that. So no more distancing myself.

It’s time to jump into the fray and join the discussion. Not only about abuse but about feelings about being abused. One of the things I’ve found to be true in my dealings with abusive people is they never want you to feel, they certainly never want you to tell the truth about what you feel. It’s time to feel anyway. It’s time to tell the truth anyway.

So I’m going to start doing that and open up this perhaps one-sided conversation. This is what I’m feeling; these things are my truth:

I’m tired of being one of “those” families, the ones other “good Christian” families look down on, the ones pastors want nothing to do with. I don’t deserve that distinction. My children don’t deserve such distinction, either. We’re only one of “those” families because of the actions of some very cruel, very selfish, very non-Christlike people who have passed it all on from one person to another without ever stopping to think what they’re doing. My parents didn’t think. Folks behind them didn’t either. Folks on my husband’s side didn’t think. It’s for sure my husband never thought. Still isn’t thinking for that matter.

I’m tired of feeling “less than” because someone in the church can’t quite grasp that I haven’t done anything to deserve being mistreated. I’m tired of looking over my shoulder wondering what some “good Christian” man or woman is going to think of me or of my children because we aren’t quite like them. No, we’re not and, what’s more, we’ll probably never be. I’m thinking that, abuse aside, not being like them may be a good thing, considering how some “good Christian” folks I know act.

I’m tired of pastors who tell abused women to “submit more”, “pray more”, “show more respect”, “love him more”, “fix his favorite dinner” yada, yada, yada. As if we haven’t thought of all of this and tried all of this only to have it all fail. I’m here to shout from the rooftops that I have done all of this and more (far, far more than most of you can imagine–unless you’re a woman in my shoes and then you know all too well) and it didn’t make a dimes worth of difference. Didn’t make a penny’s worth of difference actually. It did give the hubby more reason to walk on me. I’m thinking he thought he had my approval.

Also, and this is really important, I don’t want to be thought of as a victim of abuse; I’d rather be thought of as a survivor. A thriver, even.

More important than anything is this: I may have been raised in abuse, may have married an abuser but this doesn’t define me. I am more than an abused woman. More than a survivor or thriver, even. I am the proud mother of nine beautiful children. I am a lover of words, of beautiful music, of creativity. A pretty good cook. A sometimes crazy woman who actually loves housework–as long as it is accompanied by the sounds of children’s laughter, much prayer or really good music. Oh, and this: I can’t turn away a stray (I’m pretty sure animals know this). Best of all, though, and the thing that actually defines me is this: I’m a child of God; a daughter who is undeserving of God’s tender grace and mercy but oh-so glad to be blessed by it.

I’m tired. But I’m here and I’m fighting. Against being labeled by “good Christian” folks who don’t have a clue what I and others like me have gone through, against false accusations–by husbands, by family, by the church–that have far too often fallen on me and my sisters by folks who have no clue what they are talking about. Against passing this madness on to the next generation. Against abuse in all it’s forms. In all it’s evil. So, to that end, I’m here to share my heart, my story, the truth about what we’ve endured and who we are and I’m going to listen as others do the same.

 

Wolves in Sheep’s Clothing: Domestic Abuse and the Church by Anna Wood

Is it wrong for us to focus so very much on teaching the church about domestic abuse? Shouldn’t we, rather, be teaching the truth that will set souls free from sin and death? Or are they somehow connected? Here’s what I believe:

The church has become man-centered idol-factories and it’s ourselves and our desires of which we are making idols. The teaching in most churches is about what God can do for man rather than about man’s obligations to God. The activities (biblically unsanctioned) are set up to serve families, provide a fun atmosphere and to bring excitement to our “worship experience”. It is far more likely that, on any given Sunday, the sermon will be on topics such as making one’s sex life better rather than on such things as the attributes of our Holy Lord.

Where is the message of repentance? Where is the doctrine of the new life that is found in Christ? Where is the focus on turning away from sin? Hating sin, even? Where?  By failing to teach repentance, by failing to teach the necessity of growth in holiness, godliness and righteousness the church has in fact sanctioned unrighteousness, ungodliness and unholiness. If the church has embraced such things, she has then failed to act as the sanctified bride of Christ. By failing to be such, she has created a place where sinners are welcomed with open arms. There are few demands on those who wish to join the church nowadays; that is, we don’t demand to see any growth in the ways of God. Moreover, most members don’t even understand what these mysterious ways of God are; mysterious only because Pastors fail to teach the Word of God at church and, at home, we fail to study God’s Word. Worse still is that few care.

Because few Christians can identify or explain true ways of holiness, because they fail to have even rudimentary knowledge of God’s demands on His people, many of the sinners that come into our churches masquerade as godly men; that is, they pretend that they’ve had a conversion experience. Probably some of them, also failing to understand that there is Truth and they don’t know it, really think they have. Others know they haven’t but still pretend they have in an effort to wear a mask of godliness in order to hide their wolfishness. Who is going to check up on them? In times such as these where it is considered judgmental and harsh to “judge a tree by its fruit”, the answer is quite simply, “No one”. Because this atmosphere reigns in today’s churches, it is difficult to tell the wolves from the sheep. They each can say the right words, each seem to be doing the right things. Lack of spiritual discernment makes it practically impossible to find any difference between them–not because it isn’t there but because we fail to look and because most of us couldn’t identify it anyway.

Many of these wolves in sheep’s clothing are abusers.

Abuse of all forms is on the rise and, sadly, our churches are a safe place for them to hide. The truth that sets men free is rarely taught from the pulpit these days. Because it isn’t taught, it can’t be applied; therefore, abusers can easily slip under the radar. When they do, often we don’t want to know about it. To accept that our congregations are hiding places for evil men is to acknowledge that there is something seriously wrong in our midst. We don’t want to believe that so, rather than rooting out abusers, rather than teaching the hard truths that would make many of them flee, rather than repenting of our failures and seeking to help those who have been hurt by the abusers we invited in, we choose to ignore it all. We choose, instead, to punish their victims by calling them liars. This is far easier than accepting that our spiritual focus has been wrong for a long, long time now.

When the focus in our churches is once again on teaching the entire unadulterated truth of God’s Word, abusers won’t stay around because they won’t be comfortable. Until that day, we are going to have to deal with the results of what we’ve done. Until that day, there will be abusers in our churches.  And there will be victims of those abusers among us. Dear ones, mostly women and children (though there are definitely some men among the abused) broken and bruised by their abusers, who need our compassion, our help to heal. But, without repentance being taught, without a clear understand of what forgiveness demands and what it doesn’t demand, many in the church, in a misguided effort to serve God, will keep on heaping abuse on those already wounded. That’s what so-called Christians have been doing. And that’s why those Christians among us who write about domestic abuse are doing what we do. Wrongs must be righted and it starts here, with us.

 

Honesty, a Broken Heart and a Great God by Anna Wood

Psalms 27: 10, For my father and my mother have forsaken me, but the LORD will take me in.

Getting deep down inside ourselves when life is painful isn’t easy. It’s even harder to open the broken parts of ourselves up to others. Sometimes we need to do it, though. This is one of those times.

I know pain. I know the pain of being rejected by my father–who denied I was his though there was no doubt that I was. The pain of living with his drunken outrages–outrages that had me on very strong “nerve medicine” by the time I was 18 months old; medicine that was designed to help me with the “blanking out” and “walking into walls” I was later told I had been doing. Medicine also designed to calm me down when I’d get hysterical at hearing his car pull into our driveway each evening. Medicine I had to stay on my entire childhood.

I know the fear that comes when you leave all and run in the middle of the night in an attempt to outrun the man who wants to kill your Mama and take you–even though he has no true love for you. The uncertainty and disquiet that comes from uprooting over and over and over during the very young years of your life. The utter relief and the broken heart that vie for emotional space when you hear your abuser has died.

The very confusing pain of living with an increasingly depressed and overwhelmed mother who eventually starts taking her pain and fears out on you. The caustic words that eat at your soul. The terror at the thought of setting her off. The struggles to please a Mother who absolutely refused to be pleased. Verbal abuse that eventually bled over into other kinds of abuse. Pain that went on and on and on, increasing throughout the years. Pain that didn’t stop when she finally passed.

The loneliness, confusion and pain far too deep for words that comes with an abusive marriage. The struggles to come to grips with the abuse and, finally, to confess to yourself that abuse has occurred. The never-ending ache that comes from watching your children hurt. The fear of confiding the abuse to others who just might throw it back in your face.

The near-despair that comes from watching some of your own precious children go down the wrong road in a vain effort to right the many wrongs heaped on them. The drowning kind of sorrow that accompanies their rebellion, the deep heart brokenness that accompanies the cruelty of their words and accusations.

The emotional firestorm that erupts from hearing words of censure from supposed Christians who have no clue what you are enduring, don’t give a whit for you but still feel the need to condemn and vilify because “somebody said”. Or simply because you and your family don’t fit their ideals.

I know it all and more.

If I stopped here, thought about it all long enough, and wallowed in the pain, I’d be nearly as bad as those who did the abusing. I could do that. I’ve known those who have. Usually they end up pouring their pain out on the next generation. And on it goes. Endlessly.

I could stop and wallow except for one thing: God’s grace won’t let me. It’s not that I’m better than those who do. It’s that God’s in control.

It took me a long, long time to trust Him enough to even begin to understand that He is a good God, He is in control, He does a plan…even through all the pain.

That’s what I want you, my readers, to know. God is in charge. Moreover, He is good. He’s not like your abuser. He won’t lie, break or wound you. He isn’t like the preachers who preach one thing from the pulpit but live quite another way everywhere else. He’s not like the “good Christian folks” who refuse to listen, refuse to try to understand but love to gossip and condemn. God doesn’t lie. He doesn’t abuse, misuse or demand things we aren’t capable of performing.

God is a good God.

God is a very good God.

It bears repeating. Over and over and over. God is a wonderfully good God Who can be trusted–even if you have never known, or have rarely known, people worthy of your trust. Once you know really Him, you will find Him far, far easier to trust than any person.

Go to the pages of Scripture. Read how Jesus related to those wounded, broken ones He met along the way. Observe how tender He was, how kind. Go to the pages of the Old Testament and read about God’s provision for His people. Look up the story of the Red Sea: I love that story. I’ve lived that story, had my own Red Sea story, many, many times. Each time God came through. Each time He delivered. Each time He proved Himself worthy of my trust.

The really great thing in all of this is that none of it depends on me. God doesn’t accept me because I’m good or because I’ve achieved something. Abuse victims are just like everyone else in this: we’re all sinners worthy of hell. Enduring abuse here doesn’t give anyone a free pass to Heaven. The reason God accepts me is because He, through the blood of His Son, Jesus, has saved me from Himself.

God saved me from God: from His wrath, from His condemnation, from His justice. From the Hell I so deserved. He can do it for you, too.

I am of the Reformed faith and I firmly believe God is in control. In all ways. In everything. I also know from the pages of Scripture that, when we come to Him in true repentance, confessing our sins and asking His forgiveness, He never turns us away. He’s a really great God. A good God. A loving God.

A loving God: that’s everything to those of us who have rarely known human love. Because He’s a loving God, a good God, we can know for certain that He will take us in when we come to Him in our brokenness and pain. And He will never let us go.

 

A Cry For Justice: Awakening the Evangelical Church to Domestic Violence in its Midst

That’s the title of a new book that will be coming out sometime in the next few months. Written by a Reformed Pastor and an abuse survivor, it is designed to open eyes, open hearts, shatter lies and offer grace.

 

 

How Should Churches Respond to Claims of Domestic Abuse?

• First and foremost, make it known that you will listen to victims.
• When a woman comes to you with a description of abuse, believe her. Her description of what she is going through is only the tip of the iceberg.
• Help her to understand that God is safe, He is there for her and He abhors what her abuser has done to her. Be prepared to answer her questions about God.
• Pray with her. Continue to pray for her.
• Don’t react with horror to her story. Remember that sharing her story is quite possibly embarrassing and difficult for her.
• Sympathize with her but do not pity her. Pity is far more than most abuse victims can stand.
• Assure her that this is not her fault and that she doesn’t deserve to be treated in such a vile manner. It doesn’t matter what she may have done or not done, abuse is not  justified.
• Do not suggest that she seek counseling with her abuser. She will not be free to tell the truth and will be placed in increased danger. 
• Do not send her home with directions to “submit more”, “be a better wife”, “be more forgiving” or anything else like that. She’s probably far more submissive than most women in the church; most abused women are.
• Assess the situation. Is it safe for her and her children to return home?
• Have at hand the contact information for shelters for battered women. Give her the National Hotline number: 1-800-SAFE (7233).
• If she has left home to protect herself and her children, don’t tell her to go back, try harder, forgive more. Women and children have been killed by doing this.
• If she returns home, help her come up with a safety plan. Set up a code word to express she is in danger if she should have need to call you or talk to you with her abuser around.
• Many women who are abused do not have enough food, money or medical care. Assess her needs and offer aid as needed.
• Do not share what she has told you with her abuser.
• Do not spread her story around the church.
• If she has fled her abuser, do not share with anyone where she is. This is especially true for her abuser; to share her whereabouts is to place her in danger.
• Offer to help her with her children. Find out what their needs are and try to help her with them.
• Commit to helping her, listening to her, believing her. Let her know you are available for her to call you should she need to.
• Help her to understand what “normal” is: normal relationships, normal grieving of her loss, normal anything. Help her to learn to reach for normal.
• Don’t get so involved so that she depends on you to make her decisions or that she doesn’t heal or grow. Do be there for her and find others who will be there for her. She probably has no one on whom she can depend or to whom she can turn.

 

The Cancer in Our Midst by Anna Wood

Isaiah 5: 20, Woe to those who call evil good and good evil, who put darkness for light and light for darkness, who put bitter for sweet and sweet for bitter!

The husband forced his wife into their bedroom, stripped her, whipped her and told her she was nothing but a slave with the sole purpose of pleasing him. 

Another husband refused to work preferring to let his wife struggle to support him and their children while he stayed home all day and watched porn on the net.

Yet another forced his wife to undress in the car, perform oral sex on him and then walk into their house completely naked.

Still another was unhappy with the supper his wife served him. He showed his unhappiness by tossing the food around the kitchen, slamming the plate down on the table and then storming out of the room while his children watched. 

Each one of these is a true story and that’s awful enough. Worse, though, is that in each of these cases, the husband is a professing Christian. One of these is my story, the others are stories from godly women known to me.

Domestic abuse isn’t something out there–it’s in here in the Church. It’s the cancer in our midst. Every single day there are Christian women all across the nation who are abused by their husbands–the same men who swore before God that they would love and protect their wives are the very ones wounding, bruising and destroying them. Yet, if any of these women got up enough nerve to go to her pastor and tell him the truth about her life with her husband, the chances are very great that he would tell her that she’s dishonoring her husband by admitting to the abuse, not showing forgiveness, not being submissive enough (for if she were, her husband wouldn’t feel threatened and treat her as he is) or that her husband’s mistreatment of her isn’t as bad as she thinks it is.

I wonder what his story would be if he were somehow the one who had to live through the kinds of things described above? What if it were his mother or his daughter going through this? Would his reaction be different then?

It’s shameful to think that his reaction might be different if it were his family because pastors are meant to shepherd the sheep. The kinds of pastors who turn a blind eye to women in their congregation who are being abused, who accuse them of being the one who is sinning by daring to acknowledge the abuse, are failing as Shepherds. They’re not only failing the women and their children, they are failing the church at large. Worse, they are failing God and disobeying His holy Word.

For far too long, the abuser has had a safe place to hide in our churches while the abused has had to leave in shame. This must stop and it must stop now. The church needs pastors who will admit that abuse is real. Pastors who will call abuse sin. Pastors who aren’t afraid of stepping on toes, speaking out for the helpless and going headlong into the fray. Godly men who love God and His Word must lead this battle.

It is time for pastors to wake up to the cancer of abuse in the church and act in a way that is honoring to our Lord by taking a stand for truth, protecting the innocent and by refusing to call evil good any longer.

 

Telling Ourselves the Truth that Really Matters by Anna Wood

Sometimes it’s easier to lie to ourselves than it is to tell ourselves the truth. Sometimes the truth hurts so much that, no matter how much we need to, we don’t want to face it. That’s pretty much the way I’ve lived much of my life.

Facing the truth about our lives is easy to do when our lives are going well, our family can be trusted, there are few bumps and even fewer mountains. Facing the truth about our lives when we have lived almost entirely in the valley of pain is another thing altogether.

It hurts to acknowledge the truth that your father was an abusive alcoholic and your mother was otherwise abusive.

It hurts to admit that your marriage has been anything but normal.

It hurts to admit that, because of the pain that has defined your family life, some of your children follow the abuser.

It hurts to admit that you’ve listened to all of the lies, all of the garbage spewed at you and you’ve swallowed it all.

It hurts but it’s necessary if healing is to ever take place.

Bit by bit, little by little, I’ve learned to tell myself the truth. It still hurts but it’s getting better.

I’ve learned to replace the lies I’ve been told for so long with the real Truth. The Truth that God is my real Father. That when others abandon and abuse, He takes me up. He protects, He defends, He loves.

God loves me. We teach our children to sing it but, for abuse victims, it’s a hard truth to learn. But it’s also one of the most important truths to learn. Little by little I am learning it. Now I’m telling it to you.

If you are an abused woman, if you’ve been cast aside, castigated, lied about, ignored and had venom spewed upon you turn to God. He really is love. He really is there. He really does care. He really will take you up.

I know.

I know. 

 

Believing the Abused: A Clarion Call by Anna Wood

Abused women are just like you: they have the same hopes and dreams, the same feelings, the same ability to love, to hate, to feel happiness and sorrow. Some are rich, others are poor. Many are white, others are black, yellow, brown. Some are older, some younger. Some are married, others single. Some are born and bred country girls, others successful city women. Some work, some are stay-at-home moms.

None of this matters. What does matter is this: Somebody is playing with their lives, taking them down to destruction. Someone, likely a husband or a boyfriend, is treating them with indescribable cruelty.

The difference between you and them is likely as simple as this: you are loved and cherished by your beloved and they aren’t. The fault isn’t theirs. No one deserves to be abused. No one. Just like you, these women once had hope; just like you, they once dreamed of their own “happily ever after” but those dreams are silent now. Instead, the voice of one once trusted now rules their life with fear. A once loved and cherished voice now vilifies and brings condemnation.

The voice of a husband who vowed before God to cherish and protect now coldly controls and strikes fear into her heart: that’s an abused woman’s truth.

Maybe they are raped in their beds. Perhaps called upon to perform acts unspeakable or face punishment if they don’t. Sodomy, painful and vile, can make bedtime a time of nightmares that are real.

For some abused women, bruises, cuts, broken bones are their norm. Some are beaten and left to die. Others only wish for death.

Some live their entire lives in the vale of crushed and broken hearts and minds, constantly failing to measure up to a man’s demands–often a man who wishes to see them fail so he can find yet one more excuse to punish them.

Some of these women do without the things that you consider most important. Many don’t have proper clothing, proper housing, proper food or medical care.

Others are forcibly separated from family and much loved friends.

Yet, no matter how they suffer, no matter what they do without, their own suffering is nothing compared to how they hurt watching their children be abused.

Some of these abused women are sitting in your churches pews every Sunday morning. Others are your neighbor, your grocery clerk, your co-worker.

Abuse is real. It’s ugly. It’s mean and it’s cruel. Abuse kills: Sometimes by blows, often by words so horrible the spirit withers and dies.

I know of abuse: I’ve lived it. I have several friends who have lived it. My mother lived it. Some estimates say one in three women in the world live it.

So why do you choose to ignore it?

Many abused women would leave and flee to safety but they can’t: They have no money, no connections, no one to turn to, often no one who believes them. This is often true even among Christians. Pastors and church folk are notorious for ignoring the obvious, disbelieving the abused woman’s truth and sending her back into the pit with admonitions to “submit more”. Submission in a God-honoring marriage is a wonderful thing; submission in an abusive marriage just leads to more abuse. Don’t believe it if you don’t want to but it’s true–look into the statistics. And, before you discount this, answer this question: Would Jesus have told a woman to go back to her husband just so he could kill her? You might be her only hope–if you are willing to go out on a limb and listen to her story, believe her story and act on that belief. If you are willing to protect her. This isn’t about your views on divorce; this is about her life being in danger.

But will you do that? Will you believe her? It might not be easy. Who really wants to believe that someone we know is abused? Who really wants to believe that some guy we trust beats, sodomizes and verbally abuses his wife? It’s easier to ignore it, to refuse to believe the stories told in hushed tones, to pretend it isn’t happening and go on as if everything is normal. That kind of normal, if it goes on long enough, just might get her killed.

Many women I know presently live with, or have lived with, abusive husbands. You know of some too, you just may not realize it–yet.

But now you’ve been told they are there. Now you’ve been cautioned to look, to listen, to believe. The question now is: What are you going to do with this knowledge? You can turn away and pretend you don’t know; you might be successful at that–but then, what will you tell Jesus on Judgment Day? That you didn’t know it was happening–when you’ve just been told that it is? You might pass off the onus to someone else by saying, “Well, I’d help if needed but I don’t know anybody who is abused”. One out of three women is abused at some point in her life–you know somebody; you just aren’t looking for the signs or you’re not familiar with the signs. You can get familiar; there are books you can read, blogs you can visit, websites you can frequent or you can just open yourself up to listening to the abused woman, to believing her stories of abuse and step out of your comfort zone in order to protect and defend her. You are needed far more than you know.

 

Alone Except for God

One of the hardest things for an emotionally abused women to deal with is the everydayness of living. All around her are people who get up and do what needs to be done and do so while surrounded by those who love and support them. She has to get up and get stuff done, too, but she must do so with no support and, often, with no clue how to right the many wrongs that makes up the daily life of herself and her children. What is so simple for others often threatens to overwhelm her.

Unlike her sisters who are physically abused, few, if any, others know what she is going through. There are no scars to cover, no bruises to hide under makeup. There is only a broken heart, a crushed spirit, a life dwindling down to nothingness as she tries, step-by-weary-step, to make sense of it all.

Some days tears come unbidden, time and again, as if they will never end. Other days, she feels numb, dead inside, and no matter what happens, no matter how her abuser tries to hurt her, there are no tears left to be cried.

Often sadness threatens to overwhelm her: the loss of the love she’s never known seeps deep inside her and flows out in aching ways.

She hurts daily for her children: for what they haven’t had and for what they have had to endure. Sadness threatens to drown her as their pain mixes with her own and flows into black. If not for God, she couldn’t hold on another second.

Each day begins, each day ends and she endures through it all.

Everyday she will face the sunrise with a tiny, torn, shred of hope that perhaps today something might change. Perhaps her abuser will change (though somewhere inside she knows he won’t); and, perhaps, if he won’t, she will. Perhaps today her broken heart will begin to mend. Perhaps her children won’t ache as much. Perhaps she might, with God’s help, begin to make sense of it all and have some clue…some tiny little clue…as what to do next with the brokenness of life.

When each new sunrise comes she will get up, she will pray, and, because of her love for her children, she will try harder than anyone could possibly imagine, harder than most will ever have to try. And she will do it all unseen, unknown and alone…except for God.

But it doesn’t have to be that way. We can learn the signs of abuse. We can learn to listen, learn to weep, learn to serve. We can be there for her and for her children. We can but we probably won’t. Because we probably won’t, these women, our sisters, will continue to endure unimaginable heartache, continue to try harder than we can imagine ever having to try, continue to lean on God alone. And, one day, because we didn’t do what we could have done, we will stand before our Lord and have to answer to Him for our failure.

 

Hearts and Roses? Absolutely!

What do hearts, roses, kisses and hugs from a man mean to a woman who has been castigated, abused and ignored by her husband? Little, really. Words, gifts and promises don’t change things. This I know far too well so I won’t be wishing those things for you, dear reader. What I will do, instead, is this: I will say a prayer that you and your children are safe and rejoicing in the love of our Savior and in the love of one another. Any hearts and roses you get, I hope you get from your children. The true price of any others is far, far too expensive for you to have to endure.

Valentine’s Day, in the traditional sense, isn’t important to me. Couldn’t be even if I wanted it to. However, it is a very important day to me because, long ago, I chose to set this day aside to create memories of love and laughter with my children. Since then this has been a day dedicated to letting my children how very much I love them. That’s what it will be today. We’ll be using today to just enjoy one another. There’ll be games, laughter and lots and lots of love. This morning will see them enjoying homemade strawberry smoothies and tonight will find them feasting on lasagna, garlic bread and strawberry cake–all homemade by me and my children as we share the love and make memories. I’ll hide some of the little candy heart boxes and my youngest will go a little crazy trying to find them. We’ll hang up hearts and roses, beautifully drawn by my daughters. I’ll share lots and lots of hugs with my little men and my young ladies. And, in the doing, I’ll thank God for one of my greatest gifts: the blessing of being their Mom.

That’s my Valentine’s Day. That’s my gift. Twenty dozen long-stemmed roses couldn’t be better.

 

God’s Word on Abuse

Genesis 42:21 And they said one to another, We are verily guilty concerning our brother, in that we saw the anguish of his soul, when he besought us, and we would not hear; therefore is this distress come upon us.

2 Samuel 22:28 And the afflicted people thou wilt save: but thine eyes are upon the haughty, that thou mayest bring them down.

Psalm 11:5, The Lord tests the righteous, but his soul hates the wicked and the one who loves violence.

Psalms 9:9 The LORD also will be a refuge for the oppressed, a refuge in times of trouble.

Psalms 18:48 He delivereth me from mine enemies: yea, thou liftest me up above those that rise up against me: thou hast delivered me from the violent man.

Psalms 22:24 For he hath not despised nor abhorred the affliction of the afflicted; neither hath he hid his face from him; but when he cried unto him, he heard.

Psalms 72:14 He shall redeem their soul from deceit and violence: and precious shall their blood be in his sight.

Genesis 42:21 And they said one to another, We are verily guilty concerning our brother, in that we saw the anguish of his soul, when he besought us, and we would not hear; therefore is this distress come upon us.

2 Samuel 22:28 And the afflicted people thou wilt save: but thine eyes are upon the haughty, that thou mayest bring them down.

Psalm 11:5, The Lord tests the righteous, but his soul hates the wicked and the one who loves violence.

Psalms 9:9 The LORD also will be a refuge for the oppressed, a refuge in times of trouble.

Psalms 18:48 He delivereth me from mine enemies: yea, thou liftest me up above those that rise up against me: thou hast delivered me from the violent man.

Psalms 22:24 For he hath not despised nor abhorred the affliction of the afflicted; neither hath he hid his face from him; but when he cried unto him, he heard.

Psalms 72:14 He shall redeem their soul from deceit and violence: and precious shall their blood be in his sight.

Psalms 140:12 I know that the LORD will maintain the cause of the afflicted, and the right of the poor.

Psalms 103:6 The LORD executeth righteousness and judgment for all that are oppressed.

Psalms 146:7 Which executeth judgment for the oppressed: which giveth food to the hungry. The LORD looseth the prisoners:

Psalms 82: 3-4, Vindicate the weak and fatherless; Do justice to the afflicted and destitute. Rescue the weak and needy; Deliver them out of the hand of the wicked.

Proverbs 10:6 Blessings are upon the head of the just: but violence covereth the mouth of the wicked.

Proverbs 10:11 The mouth of a righteous man is a well of life: but violence covereth the mouth of the wicked.

Proverbs 11: 29 He that troubleth his own house shall inherit the wind: and the fool shall be servant to the wise of heart.

Proverbs 22: 8 Whoever sows injustice will reap calamity, and the rod of his fury will fail. (ESV)

Proverbs 22: 10 Drive out a scoffer, and strife will go out, and quarreling and abuse will cease. (ESV)

Proverbs 31:9 Open thy mouth, judge righteously, and plead the cause of the poor and needy.

Isaiah 1:17 Learn to do well; seek judgment, relieve the oppressed, judge the fatherless, plead for the widow.

Isaiah 35:3,4 Strengthen ye the weak hands, and confirm the feeble knees. Say to them that are of a fearful heart, Be strong, fear not: behold, your God will come with vengeance, even God with a recompence; he will come and save you.

Jeremiah 22:3 Thus saith the LORD; Execute ye judgment and righteousness, and deliver the spoiled out of the hand of the oppressor: and do no wrong, do no violence to the stranger, the fatherless, nor the widow, neither shed innocent blood in this place.

Malachi 2: 16 …and I hate a man’s covering himself with violence as well as with his garment” says the Lord Almighty.

Matthew 5:21, 22 Ye have heard that it was said by them of old time, Thou shalt not kill; and whosoever shall kill shall be in danger of the judgment: But I say unto you, That whosoever is angry with his brother without a cause shall be in danger of the judgment: and whosoever shall say to his brother, Raca, shall be in danger of the council: but whosoever shall say, Thou fool, shall be in danger of hell fire.

Matthew 18:10, See that you do not despise one of these little ones. For I tell you that in heaven their angels always see the face of my Father who is in heaven.

Colossians 3:19, Husbands, love your wives, and be not bitter against them.

Galatians 6:2 Bear ye one another’s burdens, and so fulfil the law of Christ.

Galatians 5:19-21, Now the works of the flesh are evident: sexual immorality, impurity, sensuality, idolatry, sorcery, enmity, strife, jealousy, fits of anger, rivalries, dissensions, divisions, envy, drunkenness, orgies, and things like these. I warn you, as I warned you before, that those who do such things will not inherit the kingdom of God.

Ephesians 4:29-32, Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you. (ESV)

Ephesians 5:25, Husbands, love your own wives, even as also the Christ loved the assembly, and gave up himself for it;

Ephesians 6: 4, And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.

2 Timothy 3: 1-5, But understand this, that in the last days there will come times of difficulty. ² For people will be lovers of self, lovers of money, proud, arrogant, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, ³ heartless, unappeasable, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not loving good, ⁴ treacherous, reckless, swollen with conceit, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God, ⁵ having the appearance of godliness, but denying its power.Avoid such people. 

Hebrews 12:12 Wherefore lift up the hands which hang down, and the feeble knees;

Hebrews 13:3 Remember them that are in bonds, as bound with them; and them which suffer adversity, as being yourselves also in the body.

James 1: 19, 20, Wherefore, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath: For the wrath of man worketh not the righteousness of God.

James 1:26 If any man among you seem to be religious, and bridleth not his tongue, but deceiveth his own heart, this man’s religion is vain.

James 3:10 Out of the same mouth proceedeth blessing and cursing. My brethren, these things ought not so to be.

 

 

For Wives Of Husbands Who Don’t

Ephesians 5: 25, “Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it;”

Ephesians 5: 28, “So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself.”

Ephesians 5: 33, “Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself;….”

(So many wives who have husbands who don’t…

just don’t…

this is for them.)

Once upon a time, long, long ago,

in the golden field of forever

before God

and everyone else

we said “I do”

and I believed you.

And I got busy doing

and you didn’t.

And I cried.

Long, long ago and not so far away,

I entered into our ever-after

longing to serve God with you;

with hopes for laughter

and loving memories

and dreaming of dreams

that really would come true…

only they didn’t.

For you entered our marriage

with dreams of playing, having fun

and escaping as much responsibility

as you possibly could.

And one by one,

I watched as my dreams shattered

into millions of pieces

right alongside my broken heart.

And I cried.

In desperation I turned my attention

to pleasing you,

even if it meant losing me,

while you turned your attention

to pleasing yourself

even if it meant hurting me.

When I’d pour out my hurt to you

expecting you to care,

you would deny having done anything wrong.

And then you would say that you

were surprised at my selfishness

for wanting your attention

when you had other things, better things,

to consume it.

You would say that I was suffocating you

by needing you so.

Then, time and time again,

you told me to go away

and leave you alone.

Slowly I grew weary of tears.

Alone and lonely,

under the disappearing rainbow,

I decided to try once more

(again and again)

to please you,

to be the kind of wife that you

would want to come home to,

to give you all I had to give,

and more,

and you never even noticed.

So I turned aside from crying,

gathered the fractured remains of our lives

and buried myself in God.

I began to build on the Truth

which you could neither see nor understand.

I built for a future that would stand firm,

that would someday mean something,

even if you yourself never noticed.

A few years ago tomorrow and in the land of lullabies,

I continued to build

for a hopeful someday.

I built it on the laughter of little ones,

on shared joys with them

and together we finally had fun.

And you buried yourself in yet more sleep,

endless errands,

another television program

and too many movies to count.

But somehow

the laughter of little children broke through my tears.

Once upon a time I dreamed of pleasing you

but no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t.

Once upon a time, so many, many times,

you didn’t notice

the tears streaming down my face

or pouring forth from my shattered heart.

You never saw how your words destroyed us,

how your actions broke us into,

how afraid we were.

And the years crept by

and you held firmly to your nothingness

secure in the fact that you were the boss

and could do what you wanted,

say what you wanted,

break us when you wanted. 

You could do anything

no matter what

we might want,

no matter how it hurt us.

And, through the pain, we held on to God.

Today, after far too long,

I will finally make things right

that should have been right all along.

I will build a peaceful haven around you

because I cannot build it with you.

And you will still be there 

asleep in your chair

as mindless chatter issues forth

from a place of despair inside a box

that is far more important to you than I ever was.

So now

the wife you ignored

and

the children you never had time for

will go forward together towards tomorrow.

We will miss the you

that could have been

but wasn’t

and the memories we might have made with you

but didn’t.

And, though you are self-consumed,

and will continue on as always,

though you threaten and fuss,

yell and accuse,

it no longer matters

for the Truth has set us free.

By God’s grace,

as today turns into a thousand tomorrows,

the children and I will grow into who we might have been

before you tried to destroy us through your words,

before you sought to reduce us,

by your anger, to nothingness,

before you, by lack of planning,

by repeated failure,

took everything from us.

We will build for a future that will work

though nothing you’ve built ever has.

And, as the relentless stream of time

gathers and flows,

deep within your cocoon of sameness

you won’t even notice

what we will have done.

And, as days give way to years,

by God’s mercy,

finally,

there will be no more tears.

 

Deal Breakers and Monkey Love by IdaMae

Women talk to me. Not sure why. Maybe it’s this strange tendency to laugh inappropriately during confessional sessions. More likely,  my Christian pedigree worked the magic– pastor’s daughter, pastor’s granddaughter, pastor’s great-granddaughter. We attended my father’s church for years, my household appeared to be in order, therefore surely I’m an expert on the ways of matrimony. The whole ‘older women instructing the younger’ kicked in somewhere around thirty-five despite the fact I didn’t have a swinging clue.

I did not cultivate bleeding hearts by the front door, they just appeared right and left. Quite possibly the teaching in our church contributed—just as politics or law enforcement tends to attract a certain personality type, the heavy emphasis on the wife’s submission  and patriarchal headship attracted men with an abusive streak, . I’m going to go with that theory and believe our churches were top-heavy with abusive men because the atmosphere made them feel all warm and snuggly rather than the cynical viewpoint that most men are abusive.

The Blind Shall See

For years, I did not understand what I was hearing. I spent lots of time waving my hands about and squealing. I tried tooffer help but generally said something lame like, ‘my husband can be pretty difficult at times too.” or “when I figure this out, I’ll write a book and we’ll move to Reno.” They thought I was joking. Silly women.

Once upon a time, I was a highly social person. When I left, only a couple of good friends remained, both  blessed by the anti-husband’s seal of approval. Nice ladies who I loved dearly, but the fact remains, when I broke ranks, I lost their companionship.

Let’s take a moment while I feel sorry for myself a little.

***

During those years of informal counseling sessions, I did learn to recognize the difference between a difficult man and an impossible one. The difficult  might….

To read in full, please go to http://thoroughlychristiandivorce.wordpress.com/2012/02/02/deal-breakers-and-monkey-love/#wpl-likebox

 

A Song for Abused Women Everywhere: Twenty Miles From Nowhere by Marc Derose