Showing Kindness to Ourselves by Anna Grace Wood

If you’ve been in an abusive relationship, you probably haven’t been shown much kindness. Because of that, maybe you, like me, came to believe that you were undeserving of kindness. That’s simply not true.

When coming out of abusive relationships, we must relearn how to treat ourselves right as well as learning how to allow (and not allow) others to treat us. We need to look for ways to be kind to ourselves while refusing to go overboard in self-indulgence. It might be a rough line to draw but it’s a worthy one.

The most important thing we can do to improve our lives and to show kindness to ourselves is to develop a close relationship with our Lord through prayer and the reading of His Word. Besides that we can spend time with those we love, develop friendships with those who understand our situation, develop or maintain a hobby (should you be so inclined–I’m not), improve our health through healthier eating and the taking of supplements, exercising and so on.

We don’t have to spend a lot of money to show ourselves a bit of kindness. There’s many ways of being good to ourselves for little or nothing. Some possibilities are: Taking a walk with a friend. Indulging in a bubble bath or a hot shower. Taking time out to read. Making yourself a delicious cup of coffee or tea and taking time out to enjoy it. Sitting down with popcorn and a favorite movie. Cooking yourself your favorite meal. Turning on some music and dancing. Sitting on the porch and watching the rain. The possibilities are endless. Some are free, some nearly so. The important thing is choosing something and doing it. (Repeat after me: I am worthy of being treated with kindness. I am worthy of being treated with kindness.)

Other things we might want to do might cost money. The trick is in getting them as cheaply as we can. Listed below are some links to some sites that offer good to great bargains. I’ve enjoyed most of them (some I’m still wishing for!). I’m not associated with any of them. Some of the things listed below are free, some are cheap and some simply offer great deals. You’ll find bargains, freebies (including free Kindle and Nook books), special offers and so on. Maybe not all of them will appeal to you but, perhaps, some will. Have fun surfing!

If you have something you’d like to suggest, let me know!

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Christian books:

Crossway Impact Rewards Program: http://www.crossway.org/impact/ Choose your own membership fee and get 3 free books, 25 % discount, free shipping and handling on orders over $50.00, 5% of purchase goes to ministry of your choice (among the one’s offered).

Westminster Bookstore: http://www.wtsbooks.com/ Great prices. Many clearance books.

Monergism Books: http://www.monergismbooks.com/

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Vitamins, Supplements:

Puritan’s Pride Discount Vitamins: http://www.puritan.com/

Vitacost: http://www.vitacost.com/ Discount Vitamins, Herbs, Healthy Living.

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Free and Bargain books for Kindle or Nook: (Go to these sites and sign up to be notified of the daily offerings)

Pixel of Ink: http://www.pixelofink.com/

Children’s and Young Adult Books: http://youngedition.pixelofink.com/

Cookbooks: http://www.diningdownloads.com/

Daily Cheap Reads: http://dailycheapreads.com/

Inspired Reads: http://www.inspiredreads.com/

Christian Fiction For Your Kindle: http://christianfictionebooks.blogspot.com/

Free and Reduced Price Books for Nook: http://www.pixelofink.com/category/free-nook-books/

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Have books to trade?

Paperback Swap: http://www.paperbackswap.com/ (can also buy credits to “purchase” books)

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Good deals, coupons, freebies:

Surviving the Stores: http://www.survivingthestores.com/

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Great deals on many things:

Amazon Prime: http://www.amazon.com/gp/prime (This is what Amazon has to say about it): Amazon Prime is a membership program that gives you and your family unlimited fast shipping, such as FREE Two-Day shipping to street addresses in the contiguous U.S., on all eligible purchases for an annual membership fee of $79. Amazon Prime members in the U.S. can enjoy instant videos: unlimited, commercial-free, instant streaming of thousands of movies and TV shows through Amazon Instant Video at no additional cost. Members who own Kindle devices can also choose from thousands of books — including more than 100 current and former New York Times Bestsellers — to borrow and read for free, as frequently as a book a month with no due dates, from the Kindle Owners’ Lending Library. Eligible customers can try out a membership by starting a free trial.

 

In Praise of Kindness by Anna Grace Wood

Our Lord is so glorious. Though this life is often muck, He shines brilliantly. Perfect. Beautiful. Good and gracious and kind. His kindness extends to us in so many ways. Sometimes He sends blessings and sometimes He blesses us through the kindness of others.

It’s that kind of kindness that gets to me sometimes.

I’m not that used to kindness. My children are kind and I expect that. They are, after all, my children. It’s the kindness of others that sets me floundering.

It’s confusing sometimes. Why would someone want to do something kind? For me? I mean he never did so why would they? Looking into my reaction a bit I find that it’s not God’s measuring stick I’m measuring others by but my own. My torn, ugly, rather frayed wicked-looking one. The one inspired by the abusers in my life. The one that says nothing I do is ever good enough to warrant a good response in others.

That’s why I’m flummoxed.

See, I’ve had an awful lot of good things happen to me lately. Mixed in and around and between all the on-going bad in my life has been kind responses, good intentions, beautiful words, generous gifts and love. Real love–the kind inspired by God rather than the mixed-up-not-really-love-but-masquerading-as-it-junky-stuff I’m used to.

Kindness flowed through them all. God’s kindness mixed in with their kindness.

It’s enough to set my beat-up heart a-smiling.

God really is good and He really is kind. Sometimes, I’m learning, others can be too. It gives me a lot to praise God for. It gives me a lot to be grateful for.

It gives me hope–real hope–for tomorrow.

I think I need a new measuring stick.

 

A Song for Survivors

Somehow this song just seems appropriate for those of us who, despite the pain, survived.

 

 

Not Defined by Abuse by Anna Grace Wood

I’m so much more than a women who has been trapped in an abusive situation. I’m a Southerner, a Mama (of quite a few actually), a homeschooler, a blogger, a writer, a pet owner…among many other possible descriptions. Most of all I’m a daughter of the Lord. Many terms can be used to describe me. That’s great because, though I’ve been affected by abuse, I don’t want to be defined by it. I imagine that most women (or men) who have suffered through an abusive relationship don’t want to be defined by it. Yet, often, that’s what ends up happening–at least in the eyes of others.

“Oh, that’s Alice. Did you know her husband abused her?”

“Her name is Pam. Her ex-husband used to refuse to let her leave the house without his permission.”

“That’s Mark. His ex- was verbally abusive, I hear. Sad, him being a man and all.”

As someone who has been caught up in the web of abuse, I am doing all that I can to eradicate myself of it’s influence. Other women that I know who have been affected by it are doing the same. We don’t want to spend our whole life being thought of as “an abused woman”. We want to be thought of as Alice…painter of beautiful pictures. Pam…cook extraordinaire. Or, in the case of guys, Mark…master carpenter. Possibly we wish to be thought of as a women with a lovely laugh, a great friend, a funny guy, serious, kind, generous. Anything except as “Abused”. It’s a stigma we don’t deserve. Oh, yes, it happened to us but no way is it going to define us.

It’s not easy getting free. It’s so hard coming to an understanding of what has happened to you. Getting to the point of knowing and then of confessing “I’ve been abused”–it’s so hard. So hard. It’s embarrassing. It’s shameful. It’s spirit killing. We don’t need to be reminded of it our whole lives. We are so much more than “abused”. We are daughters. Sons. Mothers. Fathers. Cooks. Readers. Students. Children of God.

Yeah. Yeah, we are. And it feels really great to say it.

 

36 Purposes of God in Our Suffering by Paul Tautges

Joni Eareckson Tada has given us many books on the subject of God’s care for His children in times of suffering. And she strikes the chord of authenticity with us because suffering is the world in which she lives 24/7, literally. My personal favorite is When God Weeps: Why Our Sufferings Matter to the Almighty, co-authored with Steve Estes. The following list of God’s purposes in our suffering is from one of the appendices of that book.

Take some time to meditate on the wisdom of God as He works out His perfect will through our suffering. No wonder James, the brother of our Lord, commanded us to “Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials” (James 1:2)!

1. Suffering is used to increase our awareness of the sustaining power of God to whom we owe our sustenance (Ps 68:19).
2. God uses suffering to refine, perfect, strengthen, and keep us from falling (Ps 66:8-9; Heb 2:10).
3. Suffering allows the life of Christ to be manifested in our mortal flesh (2 Cor 4:7-11).
4. Suffering bankrupts us, making us dependent upon God (2 Cor 12:9).
5. Suffering teaches us humility (2 Cor 12:7).
6. Suffering imparts the mind of Christ (Phil 2:1-11).
7. Suffering teaches us that God is more concerned about character than comfort (Rom 5:3-4; Heb 12:10-11).
8. Suffering teaches us that the greatest good of the Christian life is not absence of pain, but Christlikeness (2 Cor 4:8-10; Rom 8:28-29).
9. Suffering can be a chastisement from God for sin and rebellion (Ps 107:17).

To read in full, please go to http://counselingoneanother.com/2012/03/20/36-purposes-of-god-in-our-suffering/

 

PERSONALIZED SAFETY PLAN (via THE FAMILY REFUGE CENTER)

When a crisis arises in an abusive relationship, there is little time to plan how to safely leave if you need to. If you are in an currently in an abusive situation, you can increase your safety by considering the following:I will have important phone numbers accessible to me & my children. (These numbers are listed on the back).

I can tell __________ and __________ about the violence and ask them to call the police
if they hear suspicious noises coming from my home.

If I leave my home I can go (list 4 places) __________________________________________
__________________________________________
__________________________________________
__________________________________________

I can leave extra money, car keys, clothes, and copies of documents with
__________________________

If I leave, I will bring (see checklist on back) ____________________________ ___________________

If an argument turns violent when we are at home, I will try to move to an area of low risk
(when possible, avoid altercations in the kitchen due to the availability of weapons).

To ensure safety and independence, I can: keep change for phone calls with me at all times, open my own savings account, rehearse my escape routes with my children and support person, and review this safety plan weekly.

INCREASING SAFETY WHEN THE RELATIONSHIP IS OVER

I can change the locks, install steel/metal doors, a security system, smoke detectors,
and an outside lighting system.

I will inform __________ and __________ that my partner no longer resides with me and to
call the police if he/she is observed near my residence or my children.

I will tell people who take care of my children the names of those who have permission
to pick them up. The people who have permission are
_________________________
_________________________

I can tell _______________ at work about my situation and ask __________ to screen my calls

I can avoid stores, banks, and ____________ that I used while residing with my abuser

I can obtain a protective order from __________ court, keep it on or near me at all times and
leave a copy with__________

If I feel down and ready to return to a potentially abusive situation, I can call _______ for support
or attend workshops and support groups to gain support and strengthen my relationships with
other people

If I am being stalked on the highway, some things I can do are:

• Go to the nearest police station
• Flash my lights and blow my horn at passing motorists
• Yell for help out the car windows
• Buy a “Call the Police” banner and display it in my back windshield or in my car windows
• Drive to any public area where there are lots of people
• Stick to heavily traveled roads
• Stay in well-lit areas

CHECKLIST ITEMS TO TAKE

1. Identification (e.g. birth certificate, Social Security cards)
2. Change of clothes
3. School and medical records
4. Money, bank book, credit card
5. Keys (house, car, office)
6. Driver’s license/registration
7. Medication for self & kids
8. Pictures and jewelry
9. Other sentimental items
10. Welfare identification
11. Passport, green card, etc.
12. Divorce papers
13. Lease/rental agreement
14. House deed, mortgage payment book and insurance papers
15. Current unpaid bills
16. Children’s toys/blankets

IMPORTANT PHONE NUMBERS:

Police_____________________

Friends____________________

Hotline____________________

Shelter____________________

 

murder at the bottom of my garden (via Morven’s blog)

It happened again this morning, before dawn broke and the world was awake.   There was a murder at the bottom of my garden.  I could hardly abide the screams … and dreadful coo-ing.  Something nasty with whiskers and a tail was killing one of the beautiful wood doves that live near our stream.

It was awful laying there, now wide awake, struggling with the decision to get on my fuzzy robe and wellington boots, find a flashlight and large object, preferably the ancient baseball bat that now resides in the attic, and march down to the water and save a life.  In all reality, I had heard all this before, and knew that within a couple of minutes, the pathetic cries would end, and nature would again be doing what it is meant to do.  As awful as it is.

We all know about tears in the night ….  We lose loved ones, whether to death or abandonment.   Romances end, couples betray one another, children sometimes break our hearts with their decisions.  Investments fail, jobs are lost and dreams are shattered.   We have all known the pain of disappointment.  We’ve all been sad, but we grieve, mourn, regroup and recover.

Some don’t recover.  There are murders happening around us, ones we don’t necessarily overhear or witness, but they happen just the same.  There are women who are abused physically or emotionally every day.  Statistics report that at least four women will die every day or night at the hands of the man she thought loved her.  Every night spirits are being crushed and the children living in those homes are terrified, their precious innocence being lost forever.

To read more of this excellent article, please go to http://morvensblog.wordpress.com/2012/03/18/murder-at-the-bottom-of-my-garden/

 

Coming to the Aid of the Abuser? by Anna Wood

Isaiah 5: 20, “Woe to those who call evil good and good evil, who put darkness for light and light for darkness, who put bitter for sweet and sweet for bitter!”

When an abuse victim approaches her pastor or a member of her congregation to share her story of abuse at the hands of her husband, it is likely she does so at great cost to herself. If her abuser finds out that she has “betrayed” him, she is likely to pay. How she pays will depend upon the level of abuse and the type of abuse she receives from her abuser. Yet, fully aware of the dangers to herself but unable to “go on like this” anymore, she takes courage and approaches anyway. Sadly, instead of finding a place of refuge, she is likely to be disbelieved or to be sent back to her abuser with commands to “try to understand him more” or to “figure out what you are doing that sets him off”. If she happens to mention the “D” word, she will, in many churches, be told that it is sin to consider “destroying her marriage”.  Rarely does anyone stop to consider that her story might be true and that, by sending her away, we have come to the aid of the abuser.

It is so easy to accuse, castigate and condemn without ever stopping to think that we might be wrong in our accusations. When we are dealing with an abuse victim, our failure to listen, to believe, to come to their aid just might lead to them suffering severe injuries or even death.

We must take the time to really listen to the wounded ones who come our way. Go out on a limb and believe the abused woman. What if the story she is telling you is true? How must your denial of it come across to her? If you were the one who had been greatly wounded by someone and you took the chance and confided it, how do you think you would feel if the one you confided in refused to believe you?

Are we pleasing to God when we cast sorrow upon original sorrow by castigating and accusing those who have been abused? Do we honor our Lord by ignoring their suffering, by dismissing their stories, denigrating their pain, refusing to listen? Do we bestow grace by walking away? Do we show Christ-likeness by refusing to believe them simply because we don’t want to? Because it’s inconvenient to get involved? Because we are so sure that the one she is accusing is “such a godly man”? What if we are wrong? By refusing to believe her, we are calling evil good and are aiding her abuser.

Are we so callous as to fail to seek the truth and, through our failing, perhaps even become a pawn in the hand of Satan, an instrument used by him to pour salt into a fellow Christian’s open, bleeding, wounds? All of this in the Name of our precious Lord? Sadly, from my experiences and those of many I have known, these responses are often the norm.

To say we believe God is one thing. To live as if we believe is quite another.  If we really love Jesus, we must live out our belief: the way we treat other Christians is indicative of our love for Him. When we are confronted with the stories of the abused woman, pray we remember that the Lord has taught us, in Matthew 25: 40, “And the King shall answer and say unto them, Verily I say unto you, Inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto me.”

 

Comforting the Abused by Anna Grace Wood

If a Christian woman is abused by her husband, whether the abuse is emotional, physical, spiritual, financial or sexual, the fault isn’t hers. Though she no doubt has failed at times, in no way does that allow for or explain her husband’s abuse of her.

Abuse isn’t anger issues, isn’t caused by lack of submission on the wife’s part and isn’t a momentary issue. A man isn’t abusive because he isn’t getting enough in the bedroom or because he is intimidated by his wife. Abuse is a long-standing pattern of treatment designed to break and control another person.

A man is abusive because he desires ungodly control over his wife. The sin of abuse lies in the abuser’s court.

When you meet up with an abused woman, remember these things:

When a woman is abused by her husband, it isn’t because

she didn’t submit enough (if she is like most abused women, she is far more submissive than most women ever have to be),

she didn’t obey often enough (in the name of obedience, he has likely commanded things that would disgust and frighten the best of us),

she hasn’t tried hard enough,

she didn’t love him enough,

she didn’t spend enough time in prayer for her husband and for their marriage,

she didn’t study the Word,

didn’t believe the Word

or didn’t try to obey the Word with everything within her.

If she gets to the point where she is thinking about separating from her husband, or even divorcing him, after many hours of prayer and many hours of Bible study and more tears than you could ever even begin to imagine, it doesn’t follow that

she never loved him,

she is a radical feminist,

she wants to be separated or divorced,

she isn’t a godly woman,

she didn’t work at having a good marriage,

she didn’t try hard enough to be a good wife,

she isn’t a good Christian.

If you should happen to meet a woman who has been abused, you will probably think that she is

distant,

cold,

self-involved,

shy.

Most likely this is because she is

shattered,

broken,

terrified

and confused.

If you have never walked in her steps, if you’ve never heard the words designed to destroy you coming from the mouth of the one who swore before God and others that he would love you forever, if you’ve never been, literally and physically backed into a corner with absolutely no way out,  then you probably have absolutely no clue how

betrayed,

devastated,

shocked,

heart-broken

and frightened an abused woman feels.

If a woman has been beaten down, physically or emotionally, and she is brave enough to seek help,

be open to her,

listen to her,

believe her,

applaud her,

pray for her and with her,

support her,

and help her in any way that you can

because she most likely has absolutely no idea what she is going to do next.

An abused woman’s fear and confusion will be even more evident, more overwhelming, more devastating if she has children. Remember that and show love for her by loving her children, also. You can help her immensely by showing kindness and concern to and for her children. She needs you to

understand they are in pain,

listen to them,

be gentle with them,

comfort them,

model godliness to them,

pray for them,

offer them hope,

do something kind for them,

include them in activities,

and let them know that someone cares for them even if their daddy doesn’t.

Emotional abuse, physical abuse, spiritual abuse, financial abuse and sexual abuse of wives is real and far more common than most folks realize. It happens even in what others perceive to be “Christian” families. Even if the abuse is just aimed at the wife, the children will still be injured from the fallout. Frequently, though, it isn’t just fallout that hurts them; abusers of wives often go on to become abusers of children, too. Often abuse doesn’t stop with just words even if that is where it starts. If a man will break his wife with his words, many times, he will manifest force against her somehow, someway, sometime. It just might bleed out to the children, also.

Abuse isn’t the wife’s fault. It isn’t the children’s fault. No one deserves to be hurt like this.

If you know of a family where domestic abuse is present, consider that perhaps God has put you here with this family and has prepared you for such a time as this. If so, as you are able, consider helping in these ways…

upholding them in prayer,

listening as they sort out their feelings,

offering them a place to stay for a while,

assisting them financially as you are able,

offering her a job,

providing food, clothing, transportation,

assisting her in decision making if she needs you to,

and making yourself available to her as she tries to rebuild their lives.

Remember that she needs someone who is willing

to listen and listen again and again,

to believe her,

to not lay blame on her,

to cry with her,

to protect,

to defend,

to get her and her children to safety if need be

and to help her start over.

When it is over, when she has taken the step to protect her and her children that she never dreamed that she would ever have to take, remember that

she doesn’t need condemnation, she needs assurance that she is accepted and safe with you and in her church.

Keep in mind that…

she needs to know God is there for her, help her to trust Him;

her dreams are gone, help her to dream new ones;

her life is shattered, help her to build it again;

her children need love and guidance, see yourself as part of their healing;

she herself needs a friend, be one

and continuously bear her family up in prayer.

 

The God of All Comfort–Really by Anna Wood

2 Corinthians 1: 3, 4, “Blessed be God, even the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies, and the God of all comfort;Who comforteth us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort them which are in any trouble, by the comfort wherewith we ourselves are comforted of God.”

The God of all comfort. I like that definition of God. It speaks volumes of His mercy, something that a lot of church folks fail to speak of at all. For some it’s because they realize God’s love has long been predefined and over-extended (at least by us) and they are trying to make things right–theologically speaking. Those folks I applaud for they often do want to please God and usually come to see the need of speaking of His mercy too. Once they do, it’s a beautiful thing. It’s the rest of the Christians who fail to speak of God’s mercy that I’m concerned about.

These other folks often fail to speak of God’s mercy because they themselves aren’t merciful and don’t want to be. It’s easier to follow the letter of the law than try to dig down deep and understand the meaning behind it. So they do that and along the way they make up dozens of different laws to enforce the first one, crushing many along the way.

Many of the ones they crush are those who have already been cruelly crushed by others: the abused.

Abuse victims don’t need a lop-sided view of God any more than any one else does. No one ever benefits from failing to understand the full range of God’s attributes. God is all love and nothing but is a spirit killer just as much as God is all wrath and nothing else; neither is true and both fail to introduce us to the real God. The abused understand wrath. They understand anger. They have little or no understanding of love, mercy and peace, however. If they don’t hear that God is a God of comfort, love, mercy, kindness Who is trustworthy and unchanging–in context of the full range of God’s attributes–they will never come to understand God.

 

Unexpected Rainbows by Anna Wood

Some days life just hurts. This is one of those days…attached to one of those weeks…that’s been going on for many months now…riding on a string of lots of painful years. Too much pain. Bunches and bunches of confusion. Many confrontations. False confessions by the one behind it all. Too much. Too much. Really, really too much.

But in the midst of the pain God sends a rainbow. He’s good at rainbows. Excellent at bringing joy out of pain. Wonderful at building new tomorrows out of worn and broken yesterdays. I’m glad He is because I need Him to be. He’s shown up many times with an absolutely gorgeous rainbow just when I couldn’t have made it one more step without one. He always knows when I can’t make it. He’s never failed to show up with one at those times. He always cares when we’re floundering. He’s quite wonderful that way.

Anyway He unexpectedly sent a rainbow this morning. A new friend came to pray, to share, to listen. To show she cared. That’s huge for me. I expect it from my friends on the net–friends who have suffered the same slings and arrows that I have (none of whom I’ve actually met–though our hearts have–all of whom I love and have learned to trust with parts of me). This morning when the rainbow appeared I nearly cried at the thought that God would shower me with such grace. I should have been expecting a rainbow because on Friday another friend, one whom I’ve never met face to face, one whom I greatly trust, one who has prayed many a prayer for me that God has seen fit to answer on a grand scale, prayed that God would send me “specific encouragement”. This morning He did. In a grand and beautiful fashion. I now feel less alone. More steady. More hopeful.

As I go through today and through many tomorrows, I’m going to hold on to this answered prayer for “specific encouragement”. It really was quite a beautiful rainbow.

 

Abuse Needs No Excuse by Anna Wood

If you are a woman who is being abused by your husband, you need to know that his abuse of you isn’t your fault. You didn’t bring the abuse on yourself. You aren’t, by somehow failing to submit, asking to be abused. Your failures as a wife, however great or small, whether real or imagined by him, in no way gives your husband the right to seek to destroy your body, your mind, your heart or your being.

If you are a woman who is being abused by a man, the sin lies squarely on his shoulders and not on yours at all.

You didn’t cause the abuse by being difficult sometimes. It doesn’t matter if you somehow “slip up” in your duties at times and serve supper late, fail to pick up the dry cleaning or keep the house in a bit of a mess from time to time–none of that gives him the right to yell at you, smack you, terrorize you, castigate you, assault you, rape you, discipline you or abuse you in any way, shape, form or fashion.

Abuse of any kind is destructive. Abuse of any kind is sin. Abuse of any kind is the fault of the abuser. Abuse of any kind means the abuser is sinning not just against you but also against the Lord Who created him.

Abuse needs no excuse. Abusers need no reason to abuse. They abuse because they are abusers. They don’t think like normal people, they don’t react like normal people, they don’t respond like normal people. They think, react and respond like abusive people because that is what they are. Because of that, it doesn’t matter if you failed or if you didn’t fail, they will abuse you anyway. Abusers can be driven to abuse by anything or by nothing.

If you are being abused you have a right to protect yourself. You have a right to leave. To find a friend. Tell your story. Get to safety. You have a right to protect yourself and your children.

You have a right to live in peace. You have a right to live a life that is free from abuse. Many pastors won’t tell you that. One will. If you are an abused wife, go to A Cry For Justice @ http://cryingoutforjustice.wordpress.com/ and learn more.

 

Silence Heard in Hell by Anna Wood

James 1: 27, “Religion that is pure and undefiled before God, the Father, is this: to visit orphans and widows in their affliction, and to keep oneself unstained from the world.” (ESV)

Each one of us has an incalculable impact on the lives of others. What we say or fail to say, what we do or fail to do, what our lives stand for or what we fail to stand up for, openly displays our convictions for all to see. Daily we prove our devotion to God by our choices: little devotion shows itself in excuses, much devotion shows itself in being obedient to Him even when no one else will be.

Those of us who write about or minister in the area of domestic abuse–especially as it relates to Christians–are often accused of “over-emphasizing it”, “creating problems” or “attacking” other Christians, especially the leaders, who have repeatedly refused to address this issue.

Yet, when one out of every three women is affected by abuse during her lifetime, when one out of every four women experiences domestic abuse in her marriage, when a woman is abused every 9 seconds, how can addressing such horrors be over-reacting? The abused and their children are, for all intents and purposes, widows and orphans and we are commanded to care for them.

So, in order to be pleasing to God, we must get the emphasis off of those of us who do write or minister for or to the abused. The question should never be “Why does she, why do they, talk so much about abuse?” for that is focusing your attention on frail humans (where it doesn’t belong) rather than on God (where it does). Instead, let’s ask:

“Is ministering to the oppressed mandated in Scripture?”

“Does my theology show itself in my obedience to this mandate? Or, does it show itself in my refusal to obey?”

“Since Jesus said what we do for “the least of these” we are doing to Him, what does my refusal to minister to the abused speak of how I honor and value Christ?”

Be sure of this: the devil is on the side of the abuser; he’s all for abuse maintaining its hold in the church. That should tell us something about where we ought to stand on this issue, don’t you think?

Since one out of every three women is affected by abuse in her lifetime, it is quite probable that in a church with 30 women, 10 have suffered abuse. In a church with 300 women, approximately 100 of them will have experienced abuse at some point in their life. What if one of them were you? Would you want the leaders to speak up, speak out and defend you? Or would you be content with it continuing to be ignored?

There is a desperate need in the church today for godly men and women to be willing to openly address this issue. To educate themselves on domestic abuse. To be willing to call out the abusers. To minister to the abused. Believe the abused. Most Christians aren’t. Even most Christians in Reformed circles aren’t. By failing to speak out in behalf of the abused, by pretending this isn’t an important issue (or that we are somehow infringing on other’s rights by addressing it), we are speaking very loudly about it. Very loudly, indeed, and our silence is heard in hell.

If we aren’t speaking out against the abusers, we are silently endorsing their sin. If we aren’t ministering to the abused, we are heaping more abuse on them. Worse, when we fail to stand for truth, we ourselves are sinning against a holy God.

The obligation to speak truth lies with each one of us. We’ve been silent far too long. We must teach about abuse and minister to the abused because the abused are important to God. This isn’t an easy issue to address; if you take a stand on it some folks won’t like you. Some already don’t like us for taking such a stand but that’s okay; it’s God Whom we seeking to honor, not a person. We’re walking into the fray and we invite you to go with us. We might get singed but since many of Jesus’ followers have been burned at the stake, that’s a small price to pay. I pray that many others feel the same.

 

Prepared to Counsel? by Anna Wood

It’s a long scary road for a woman to get to the place where she can admit she is abused. It’s can be an even longer one figuring out what to do next. Should she tell her family? Confide in friends? Disclose it to the church? For many women there is no choice. They will tell no one because they are too afraid of their abuser’s reaction should he find out she’s exposed his abuse or they simply have no one to tell. Others fear the reactions of the ones they might confide in. Sadly those that get up the courage to tell the truth, they often end up having more abuse heaped on them by those they have confided in.

Typical reactions from Christians first learning of a case of domestic abuse often include the following:

“Go home and love that man. If you show him love first, he’ll love you back.”

“Go home and forgive him. Show him that you’ve forgiven him by going out of the way to show him you have. He’ll be so humbled by receiving your forgiveness, he’ll repent.”

“Go home and submit to your husband. Non-submission is the root of your problem. If you weren’t rebellious towards him, your husband wouldn’t feel like he had to show you who’s the boss.”

“Go home and give that man the best sex he’s ever had. He’ll forget about being angry.”

“Go home and pray for your husband and then submit to whatever God sees fit for you to endure.”

Or abused wives are told…

“He’s got anger issues. Pray for him and be patient with him.”

“He’s just stressed. When things get better, he’ll stop.”

“Seek couple’s counseling. Each story has two sides.”

Sorry, folks, but this kind of advice is nothing short of dangerous garbage. If a man is an abuser, he’s an abuser. He doesn’t have anger issues. He isn’t sexually starved. He isn’t wanting more love. He wants to control his wife and nothing short of that will satisfy him.

The church at large, oblivious to the ways of an abuser, is making things worse for abused wives than it already is. By jumping into the discussion without taking the time to figure out what is really going on, church officials, Christian counselors and Christians in general, are creating dangerous conditions for abused women. If a woman comes to you with a story of abuse, the first thing you need to do is believe her; the second thing you need to do for her is pray with her and provide her with safety; the third thing you need to do is brush up on domestic abuse. It’s real. It’s dangerous. And it’s sometimes deadly.

If you don’t understand abuse, get a good book on it and study up. There’s some recommended on this blog and on our other blog, A Cry For Justice @ http://cryingoutforjustice.wordpress.com/ . One day you’ll most likely come face to face with an abused woman who is crying out for someone to believe her, for someone to help her. That person just might be you.

 

Poem: Song of the Bride

I got this from a friend’s blog. It’s absolutely beautiful. Those who have suffered much will relate.

I wrote this when my voice was gone entirely. I walked through the house day after day, careful to focus on the floor to keep from making eye contact with the beast. He said he didn’t like the way I looked at him. It made him angry. He ‘could tell what I was thinking’ and punished me when I no longer felt by going after the children. I did what I had to do to get through each day.

For those who might not be familiar, the imagery here speaks of a common teaching in the church concerning the Bride of Christ. The concept of a conquering King returning for His Beloved is both mysterious and haunting and that’s the realm where I believe it belongs– A mystery, near the heart of God, to be revealed in His perfect timing.

Song of the Bride

I want to sing of Your goodness but I have no voice.

Birds sing,

Whales sing.

My voice alone is muted.

To read in full, please go to Poem: Song of the Bride.

 

Arsenal of Words by Anna Wood

Psalms 82: 3, Give justice to the weak and the fatherless; maintain the right of the afflicted and the destitute.

Is abuse only abuse if it is physical? Does it take a woman being beaten by her husband to say she’s been abused by him? Often that is the perception but, when talking to abuse survivors, it is the verbal and emotional abuse that they usually cite as having been the toughest to deal with. Physical abuse never happens in isolation. There is always some form of emotional and verbal abuse that accompanies it. Domestic abuse in any form is all about control: the abuser doesn’t just want to wound, he wants to control and to destroy.

Verbal abuse takes apart its victim bit by bit. It eats away at her until she is no more. Some abusers never beat their partners; it isn’t because they care enough not to, it is because they don’t have to. Some abusers are so skilled with words as weapons that they can intimidate, humiliate, put down and threaten without ever lifting a finger towards their partners.  In short, they are controlling them and destroying them.

Verbal abuse is immensely destructive: its victims feel helpless, less than, unimportant. Long-term affects of verbal abuse include feeling broken, being unable to trust, incapacity to make decisions, failure to believe in themselves or in anyone else. The stress that accompanies such abuse can have far reaching physical effects.

So why does the abuse victim listen? Couldn’t they fire back? Ignore the accusations? Refuse to believe the garbage that’s spewed on them?

Put yourself in their place for a moment: Imagine being attacked for every little thing you do or say. Imagine regularly being told that you are stupid, ugly, unimportant, lazy, selfish, no good, evil, cruel. Imagine not being able to escape it. Imagine listening to it day after day, year after year, decade after decade. Over time, the cruel words start to define you.

Now imagine that such a woman has come into your fellowship. She’s hesitatingly told you her story of verbal abuse. She’s scared. She’s alone. She has no clue how to protect her children, how to protect herself, how to even keep on going. What are you going to do?

What would Jesus do? We like to ask that, don’t we? Now answer it.

 

A Peek Inside My Heart by Anna Wood

When it comes to abuse, it’s very difficult for me to share my heart. I can state the facts all day long as long as I can remain somewhat distanced from it all; what happened to me, what happened to them. What abuse is. That’s easy: black and white, cut and dry. Abuse is sin and sin is wrong. Case closed.

Or maybe not so closed.

See, all that black and white is easy to discuss when you’re only talking facts: even saying this happened to me is easy as long as it’s from a distance, as long as my heart can stay divorced from it. But it doesn’t want to. Not anymore. Abuse has affected me; at times it’s threatened to destroy me. It affects my children. My family history is full of stories of abuse. I’m rather sick and tired of it. My heart has finally gotten brave enough to let me share peeks inside it without worrying about what others are going to think so I’m going to do just that. So no more distancing myself.

It’s time to jump into the fray and join the discussion. Not only about abuse but about feelings about being abused. One of the things I’ve found to be true in my dealings with abusive people is they never want you to feel, they certainly never want you to tell the truth about what you feel. It’s time to feel anyway. It’s time to tell the truth anyway.

So I’m going to start doing that and open up this perhaps one-sided conversation. This is what I’m feeling; these things are my truth:

I’m tired of being one of “those” families, the ones other “good Christian” families look down on, the ones pastors want nothing to do with. I don’t deserve that distinction. My children don’t deserve such distinction, either. We’re only one of “those” families because of the actions of some very cruel, very selfish, very non-Christlike people who have passed it all on from one person to another without ever stopping to think what they’re doing. My parents didn’t think. Folks behind them didn’t either. Folks on my husband’s side didn’t think. It’s for sure my husband never thought. Still isn’t thinking for that matter.

I’m tired of feeling “less than” because someone in the church can’t quite grasp that I haven’t done anything to deserve being mistreated. I’m tired of looking over my shoulder wondering what some “good Christian” man or woman is going to think of me or of my children because we aren’t quite like them. No, we’re not and, what’s more, we’ll probably never be. I’m thinking that, abuse aside, not being like them may be a good thing, considering how some “good Christian” folks I know act.

I’m tired of pastors who tell abused women to “submit more”, “pray more”, “show more respect”, “love him more”, “fix his favorite dinner” yada, yada, yada. As if we haven’t thought of all of this and tried all of this only to have it all fail. I’m here to shout from the rooftops that I have done all of this and more (far, far more than most of you can imagine–unless you’re a woman in my shoes and then you know all too well) and it didn’t make a dimes worth of difference. Didn’t make a penny’s worth of difference actually. It did give the hubby more reason to walk on me. I’m thinking he thought he had my approval.

Also, and this is really important, I don’t want to be thought of as a victim of abuse; I’d rather be thought of as a survivor. A thriver, even.

More important than anything is this: I may have been raised in abuse, may have married an abuser but this doesn’t define me. I am more than an abused woman. More than a survivor or thriver, even. I am the proud mother of nine beautiful children. I am a lover of words, of beautiful music, of creativity. A pretty good cook. A sometimes crazy woman who actually loves housework–as long as it is accompanied by the sounds of children’s laughter, much prayer or really good music. Oh, and this: I can’t turn away a stray (I’m pretty sure animals know this). Best of all, though, and the thing that actually defines me is this: I’m a child of God; a daughter who is undeserving of God’s tender grace and mercy but oh-so glad to be blessed by it.

I’m tired. But I’m here and I’m fighting. Against being labeled by “good Christian” folks who don’t have a clue what I and others like me have gone through, against false accusations–by husbands, by family, by the church–that have far too often fallen on me and my sisters by folks who have no clue what they are talking about. Against passing this madness on to the next generation. Against abuse in all it’s forms. In all it’s evil. So, to that end, I’m here to share my heart, my story, the truth about what we’ve endured and who we are and I’m going to listen as others do the same.

 

Wolves in Sheep’s Clothing: Domestic Abuse and the Church by Anna Wood

Is it wrong for us to focus so very much on teaching the church about domestic abuse? Shouldn’t we, rather, be teaching the truth that will set souls free from sin and death? Or are they somehow connected? Here’s what I believe:

The church has become man-centered idol-factories and it’s ourselves and our desires of which we are making idols. The teaching in most churches is about what God can do for man rather than about man’s obligations to God. The activities (biblically unsanctioned) are set up to serve families, provide a fun atmosphere and to bring excitement to our “worship experience”. It is far more likely that, on any given Sunday, the sermon will be on topics such as making one’s sex life better rather than on such things as the attributes of our Holy Lord.

Where is the message of repentance? Where is the doctrine of the new life that is found in Christ? Where is the focus on turning away from sin? Hating sin, even? Where?  By failing to teach repentance, by failing to teach the necessity of growth in holiness, godliness and righteousness the church has in fact sanctioned unrighteousness, ungodliness and unholiness. If the church has embraced such things, she has then failed to act as the sanctified bride of Christ. By failing to be such, she has created a place where sinners are welcomed with open arms. There are few demands on those who wish to join the church nowadays; that is, we don’t demand to see any growth in the ways of God. Moreover, most members don’t even understand what these mysterious ways of God are; mysterious only because Pastors fail to teach the Word of God at church and, at home, we fail to study God’s Word. Worse still is that few care.

Because few Christians can identify or explain true ways of holiness, because they fail to have even rudimentary knowledge of God’s demands on His people, many of the sinners that come into our churches masquerade as godly men; that is, they pretend that they’ve had a conversion experience. Probably some of them, also failing to understand that there is Truth and they don’t know it, really think they have. Others know they haven’t but still pretend they have in an effort to wear a mask of godliness in order to hide their wolfishness. Who is going to check up on them? In times such as these where it is considered judgmental and harsh to “judge a tree by its fruit”, the answer is quite simply, “No one”. Because this atmosphere reigns in today’s churches, it is difficult to tell the wolves from the sheep. They each can say the right words, each seem to be doing the right things. Lack of spiritual discernment makes it practically impossible to find any difference between them–not because it isn’t there but because we fail to look and because most of us couldn’t identify it anyway.

Many of these wolves in sheep’s clothing are abusers.

Abuse of all forms is on the rise and, sadly, our churches are a safe place for them to hide. The truth that sets men free is rarely taught from the pulpit these days. Because it isn’t taught, it can’t be applied; therefore, abusers can easily slip under the radar. When they do, often we don’t want to know about it. To accept that our congregations are hiding places for evil men is to acknowledge that there is something seriously wrong in our midst. We don’t want to believe that so, rather than rooting out abusers, rather than teaching the hard truths that would make many of them flee, rather than repenting of our failures and seeking to help those who have been hurt by the abusers we invited in, we choose to ignore it all. We choose, instead, to punish their victims by calling them liars. This is far easier than accepting that our spiritual focus has been wrong for a long, long time now.

When the focus in our churches is once again on teaching the entire unadulterated truth of God’s Word, abusers won’t stay around because they won’t be comfortable. Until that day, we are going to have to deal with the results of what we’ve done. Until that day, there will be abusers in our churches.  And there will be victims of those abusers among us. Dear ones, mostly women and children (though there are definitely some men among the abused) broken and bruised by their abusers, who need our compassion, our help to heal. But, without repentance being taught, without a clear understand of what forgiveness demands and what it doesn’t demand, many in the church, in a misguided effort to serve God, will keep on heaping abuse on those already wounded. That’s what so-called Christians have been doing. And that’s why those Christians among us who write about domestic abuse are doing what we do. Wrongs must be righted and it starts here, with us.

 

Honesty, a Broken Heart and a Great God by Anna Wood

Psalms 27: 10, For my father and my mother have forsaken me, but the LORD will take me in.

Getting deep down inside ourselves when life is painful isn’t easy. It’s even harder to open the broken parts of ourselves up to others. Sometimes we need to do it, though. This is one of those times.

I know pain. I know the pain of being rejected by my father–who denied I was his though there was no doubt that I was. The pain of living with his drunken outrages–outrages that had me on very strong “nerve medicine” by the time I was 18 months old; medicine that was designed to help me with the “blanking out” and “walking into walls” I was later told I had been doing. Medicine also designed to calm me down when I’d get hysterical at hearing his car pull into our driveway each evening. Medicine I had to stay on my entire childhood.

I know the fear that comes when you leave all and run in the middle of the night in an attempt to outrun the man who wants to kill your Mama and take you–even though he has no true love for you. The uncertainty and disquiet that comes from uprooting over and over and over during the very young years of your life. The utter relief and the broken heart that vie for emotional space when you hear your abuser has died.

The very confusing pain of living with an increasingly depressed and overwhelmed mother who eventually starts taking her pain and fears out on you. The caustic words that eat at your soul. The terror at the thought of setting her off. The struggles to please a Mother who absolutely refused to be pleased. Verbal abuse that eventually bled over into other kinds of abuse. Pain that went on and on and on, increasing throughout the years. Pain that didn’t stop when she finally passed.

The loneliness, confusion and pain far too deep for words that comes with an abusive marriage. The struggles to come to grips with the abuse and, finally, to confess to yourself that abuse has occurred. The never-ending ache that comes from watching your children hurt. The fear of confiding the abuse to others who just might throw it back in your face.

The near-despair that comes from watching some of your own precious children go down the wrong road in a vain effort to right the many wrongs heaped on them. The drowning kind of sorrow that accompanies their rebellion, the deep heart brokenness that accompanies the cruelty of their words and accusations.

The emotional firestorm that erupts from hearing words of censure from supposed Christians who have no clue what you are enduring, don’t give a whit for you but still feel the need to condemn and vilify because “somebody said”. Or simply because you and your family don’t fit their ideals.

I know it all and more.

If I stopped here, thought about it all long enough, and wallowed in the pain, I’d be nearly as bad as those who did the abusing. I could do that. I’ve known those who have. Usually they end up pouring their pain out on the next generation. And on it goes. Endlessly.

I could stop and wallow except for one thing: God’s grace won’t let me. It’s not that I’m better than those who do. It’s that God’s in control.

It took me a long, long time to trust Him enough to even begin to understand that He is a good God, He is in control, He does a plan…even through all the pain.

That’s what I want you, my readers, to know. God is in charge. Moreover, He is good. He’s not like your abuser. He won’t lie, break or wound you. He isn’t like the preachers who preach one thing from the pulpit but live quite another way everywhere else. He’s not like the “good Christian folks” who refuse to listen, refuse to try to understand but love to gossip and condemn. God doesn’t lie. He doesn’t abuse, misuse or demand things we aren’t capable of performing.

God is a good God.

God is a very good God.

It bears repeating. Over and over and over. God is a wonderfully good God Who can be trusted–even if you have never known, or have rarely known, people worthy of your trust. Once you know really Him, you will find Him far, far easier to trust than any person.

Go to the pages of Scripture. Read how Jesus related to those wounded, broken ones He met along the way. Observe how tender He was, how kind. Go to the pages of the Old Testament and read about God’s provision for His people. Look up the story of the Red Sea: I love that story. I’ve lived that story, had my own Red Sea story, many, many times. Each time God came through. Each time He delivered. Each time He proved Himself worthy of my trust.

The really great thing in all of this is that none of it depends on me. God doesn’t accept me because I’m good or because I’ve achieved something. Abuse victims are just like everyone else in this: we’re all sinners worthy of hell. Enduring abuse here doesn’t give anyone a free pass to Heaven. The reason God accepts me is because He, through the blood of His Son, Jesus, has saved me from Himself.

God saved me from God: from His wrath, from His condemnation, from His justice. From the Hell I so deserved. He can do it for you, too.

I am of the Reformed faith and I firmly believe God is in control. In all ways. In everything. I also know from the pages of Scripture that, when we come to Him in true repentance, confessing our sins and asking His forgiveness, He never turns us away. He’s a really great God. A good God. A loving God.

A loving God: that’s everything to those of us who have rarely known human love. Because He’s a loving God, a good God, we can know for certain that He will take us in when we come to Him in our brokenness and pain. And He will never let us go.

 

A Cry For Justice: Awakening the Evangelical Church to Domestic Violence in its Midst

That’s the title of a new book that will be coming out sometime in the next few months. Written by a Reformed Pastor and an abuse survivor, it is designed to open eyes, open hearts, shatter lies and offer grace.