- First and foremost, make it known that you will listen to victims.
- When a woman comes to you with a description of abuse, believe her. Her description of what she is going through is only the tip of the iceberg.
- Help her to understand that God is safe, He is there for her and He abhors what her abuser has done to her. Be prepared to answer her questions about God.
- Pray with her. Continue to pray for her.
- Don’t react with horror to her story. Remember that sharing her story is quite possibly embarrassing and difficult for her.
- Sympathize with her but do not pity her. Pity is far more than most abuse victims can stand.
- Assure her that this is not her fault and that she doesn’t deserve to be treated in such a vile manner. It doesn’t matter what she may have done or not done, abuse is not justified.
- Do not suggest that she seek counseling with her abuser. She will not be free to tell the truth and will be placed in increased danger.
- Do not send her home with directions to “submit more”, “be a better wife”, “be more forgiving” or anything else like that. She’s probably far more submissive than most women in the church; most abused women are.
- Assess the situation. Is it safe for her and her children to return home?
- Have at hand the contact information for shelters for battered women. Give her the National Hotline number: 1-800-SAFE (7233).
- If she has left home to protect herself and her children, don’t tell her to go back, try harder, forgive more. Women and children have been killed by doing this.
- If she returns home, help her come up with a safety plan. Set up a code word to express she is in danger if she should have need to call you or talk to you with her abuser around.
- Many women who are abused do not have enough food, money or medical care. Assess her needs and offer aid as needed.
- Do not share what she has told you with her abuser.
- Do not spread her story around the church.
- If she has fled her abuser, do not share with anyone where she is. This is especially true for her abuser; to share her whereabouts is to place her in danger.
- Offer to help her with her children. Find out what their needs are and try to help her with them.
- Commit to helping her, listening to her, believing her. Let her know you are available for her to call you should she need to.
- Help her to understand what “normal” is: normal relationships, normal grieving of her loss, normal anything. Help her to learn to reach for normal.
- Don’t get so involved so that she depends on you to make her decisions or that she doesn’t heal or grow. Do be there for her and find others who will be there for her. She probably has no one on whom she can depend or to whom she can turn.
How Should Churches Respond to Claims of Domestic Abuse?
The Cancer in Our Midst by Anna Wood
Isaiah 5: 20, Woe to those who call evil good and good evil, who put darkness for light and light for darkness, who put bitter for sweet and sweet for bitter!
The husband forced his wife into their bedroom, stripped her, whipped her and told her she was nothing but a slave with the sole purpose of pleasing him.
Another husband refused to work preferring to let his wife struggle to support him and their children while he stayed home all day and watched porn on the net.
Yet another forced his wife to undress in the car, perform oral sex on him and then walk into their house completely naked.
Still another was unhappy with the supper his wife served him. He showed his unhappiness by tossing the food around the kitchen, slamming the plate down on the table and then storming out of the room while his children watched.
Each one of these is a true story and that’s awful enough. Worse, though, is that in each of these cases, the husband is a professing Christian. One of these is my story, the others are stories from godly women known to me.
Domestic abuse isn’t something out there–it’s in here in the Church. It’s the cancer in our midst. Every single day there are Christian women all across the nation who are abused by their husbands–the same men who swore before God that they would love and protect their wives are the very ones wounding, bruising and destroying them. Yet, if any of these women got up enough nerve to go to her pastor and tell him the truth about her life with her husband, the chances are very great that he would tell her that she’s dishonoring her husband by admitting to the abuse, not showing forgiveness, not being submissive enough (for if she were, her husband wouldn’t feel threatened and treat her as he is) or that her husband’s mistreatment of her isn’t as bad as she thinks it is.
I wonder what his story would be if he were somehow the one who had to live through the kinds of things described above? What if it were his mother or his daughter going through this? Would his reaction be different then?
It’s shameful to think that his reaction might be different if it were his family because pastors are meant to shepherd the sheep. The kinds of pastors who turn a blind eye to women in their congregation who are being abused, who accuse them of being the one who is sinning by daring to acknowledge the abuse, are failing as Shepherds. They’re not only failing the women and their children, they are failing the church at large. Worse, they are failing God and disobeying His holy Word.
For far too long, the abuser has had a safe place to hide in our churches while the abused has had to leave in shame. This must stop and it must stop now. The church needs pastors who will admit that abuse is real. Pastors who will call abuse sin. Pastors who aren’t afraid of stepping on toes, speaking out for the helpless and going headlong into the fray. Godly men who love God and His Word must lead this battle.
It is time for pastors to wake up to the cancer of abuse in the church and act in a way that is honoring to our Lord by taking a stand for truth, protecting the innocent and by refusing to call evil good any longer.
Like this:
Telling Ourselves the Truth that Really Matters by Anna Wood
Sometimes it’s easier to lie to ourselves than it is to tell ourselves the truth. Sometimes the truth hurts so much that, no matter how much we need to, we don’t want to face it. That’s pretty much the way I’ve lived much of my life.
Facing the truth about our lives is easy to do when our lives are going well, our family can be trusted, there are few bumps and even fewer mountains. Facing the truth about our lives when we have lived almost entirely in the valley of pain is another thing altogether.
It hurts to acknowledge the truth that your father was an abusive alcoholic and your mother was otherwise abusive.
It hurts to admit that your marriage has been anything but normal.
It hurts to admit that, because of the pain that has defined your family life, some of your children follow the abuser.
It hurts to admit that you’ve listened to all of the lies, all of the garbage spewed at you and you’ve swallowed it all.
It hurts but it’s necessary if healing is to ever take place.
Bit by bit, little by little, I’ve learned to tell myself the truth. It still hurts but it’s getting better.
I’ve learned to replace the lies I’ve been told for so long with the real Truth. The Truth that God is my real Father. That when others abandon and abuse, He takes me up. He protects, He defends, He loves.
God loves me. We teach our children to sing it but, for abuse victims, it’s a hard truth to learn. But it’s also one of the most important truths to learn. Little by little I am learning it. Now I’m telling it to you.
If you are an abused woman, if you’ve been cast aside, castigated, lied about, ignored and had venom spewed upon you turn to God. He really is love. He really is there. He really does care. He really will take you up.
I know.
I know.
Like this:
Believing the Abused: A Clarion Call by Anna Wood
Abused women are just like you: they have the same hopes and dreams, the same feelings, the same ability to love, to hate, to feel happiness and sorrow. Some are rich, others are poor. Many are white, others are black, yellow, brown. Some are older, some younger. Some are married, others single. Some are born and bred country girls, others successful city women. Some work, some are stay-at-home moms.
None of this matters. What does matter is this: Somebody is playing with their lives, taking them down to destruction. Someone, likely a husband or a boyfriend, is treating them with indescribable cruelty.
The difference between you and them is likely as simple as this: you are loved and cherished by your beloved and they aren’t. The fault isn’t theirs. No one deserves to be abused. No one. Just like you, these women once had hope; just like you, they once dreamed of their own “happily ever after” but those dreams are silent now. Instead, the voice of one once trusted now rules their life with fear. A once loved and cherished voice now vilifies and brings condemnation.
The voice of a husband who vowed before God to cherish and protect now coldly controls and strikes fear into her heart: that’s an abused woman’s truth.
Maybe they are raped in their beds. Perhaps called upon to perform acts unspeakable or face punishment if they don’t. Sodomy, painful and vile, can make bedtime a time of nightmares that are real.
For some abused women, bruises, cuts, broken bones are their norm. Some are beaten and left to die. Others only wish for death.
Some live their entire lives in the vale of crushed and broken hearts and minds, constantly failing to measure up to a man’s demands–often a man who wishes to see them fail so he can find yet one more excuse to punish them.
Some of these women do without the things that you consider most important. Many don’t have proper clothing, proper housing, proper food or medical care.
Others are forcibly separated from family and much loved friends.
Yet, no matter how they suffer, no matter what they do without, their own suffering is nothing compared to how they hurt watching their children be abused.
Some of these abused women are sitting in your churches pews every Sunday morning. Others are your neighbor, your grocery clerk, your co-worker.
Abuse is real. It’s ugly. It’s mean and it’s cruel. Abuse kills: Sometimes by blows, often by words so horrible the spirit withers and dies.
I know of abuse: I’ve lived it. I have several friends who have lived it. My mother lived it. Some estimates say one in three women in the world live it.
So why do you choose to ignore it?
Many abused women would leave and flee to safety but they can’t: They have no money, no connections, no one to turn to, often no one who believes them. This is often true even among Christians. Pastors and church folk are notorious for ignoring the obvious, disbelieving the abused woman’s truth and sending her back into the pit with admonitions to “submit more”. Submission in a God-honoring marriage is a wonderful thing; submission in an abusive marriage just leads to more abuse. Don’t believe it if you don’t want to but it’s true–look into the statistics. And, before you discount this, answer this question: Would Jesus have told a woman to go back to her husband just so he could kill her? You might be her only hope–if you are willing to go out on a limb and listen to her story, believe her story and act on that belief. If you are willing to protect her. This isn’t about your views on divorce; this is about her life being in danger.
But will you do that? Will you believe her? It might not be easy. Who really wants to believe that someone we know is abused? Who really wants to believe that some guy we trust beats, sodomizes and verbally abuses his wife? It’s easier to ignore it, to refuse to believe the stories told in hushed tones, to pretend it isn’t happening and go on as if everything is normal. That kind of normal, if it goes on long enough, just might get her killed.
Many women I know presently live with, or have lived with, abusive husbands. You know of some too, you just may not realize it–yet.
But now you’ve been told they are there. Now you’ve been cautioned to look, to listen, to believe. The question now is: What are you going to do with this knowledge? You can turn away and pretend you don’t know; you might be successful at that–but then, what will you tell Jesus on Judgment Day? That you didn’t know it was happening–when you’ve just been told that it is? You might pass off the onus to someone else by saying, “Well, I’d help if needed but I don’t know anybody who is abused”. One out of three women is abused at some point in her life–you know somebody; you just aren’t looking for the signs or you’re not familiar with the signs. You can get familiar; there are books you can read, blogs you can visit, websites you can frequent or you can just open yourself up to listening to the abused woman, to believing her stories of abuse and step out of your comfort zone in order to protect and defend her. You are needed far more than you know.
Like this:
Alone Except for God
One of the hardest things for an emotionally abused women to deal with is the everydayness of living. All around her are people who get up and do what needs to be done and do so while surrounded by those who love and support them. She has to get up and get stuff done, too, but she must do so with no support and, often, with no clue how to right the many wrongs that makes up the daily life of herself and her children. What is so simple for others often threatens to overwhelm her.
Unlike her sisters who are physically abused, few, if any, others know what she is going through. There are no scars to cover, no bruises to hide under makeup. There is only a broken heart, a crushed spirit, a life dwindling down to nothingness as she tries, step-by-weary-step, to make sense of it all.
Some days tears come unbidden, time and again, as if they will never end. Other days, she feels numb, dead inside, and no matter what happens, no matter how her abuser tries to hurt her, there are no tears left to be cried.
Often sadness threatens to overwhelm her: the loss of the love she’s never known seeps deep inside her and flows out in aching ways.
She hurts daily for her children: for what they haven’t had and for what they have had to endure. Sadness threatens to drown her as their pain mixes with her own and flows into black. If not for God, she couldn’t hold on another second.
Each day begins, each day ends and she endures through it all.
Everyday she will face the sunrise with a tiny, torn, shred of hope that perhaps today something might change. Perhaps her abuser will change (though somewhere inside she knows he won’t); and, perhaps, if he won’t, she will. Perhaps today her broken heart will begin to mend. Perhaps her children won’t ache as much. Perhaps she might, with God’s help, begin to make sense of it all and have some clue…some tiny little clue…as what to do next with the brokenness of life.
When each new sunrise comes she will get up, she will pray, and, because of her love for her children, she will try harder than anyone could possibly imagine, harder than most will ever have to try. And she will do it all unseen, unknown and alone…except for God.
But it doesn’t have to be that way. We can learn the signs of abuse. We can learn to listen, learn to weep, learn to serve. We can be there for her and for her children. We can but we probably won’t. Because we probably won’t, these women, our sisters, will continue to endure unimaginable heartache, continue to try harder than we can imagine ever having to try, continue to lean on God alone. And, one day, because we didn’t do what we could have done, we will stand before our Lord and have to answer to Him for our failure.
Like this:
Hearts and Roses? Absolutely!
What do hearts, roses, kisses and hugs from a man mean to a woman who has been castigated, abused and ignored by her husband? Little, really. Words, gifts and promises don’t change things. This I know far too well so I won’t be wishing those things for you, dear reader. What I will do, instead, is this: I will say a prayer that you and your children are safe and rejoicing in the love of our Savior and in the love of one another. Any hearts and roses you get, I hope you get from your children. The true price of any others is far, far too expensive for you to have to endure.
Valentine’s Day, in the traditional sense, isn’t important to me. Couldn’t be even if I wanted it to. However, it is a very important day to me because, long ago, I chose to set this day aside to create memories of love and laughter with my children. Since then this has been a day dedicated to letting my children how very much I love them. That’s what it will be today. We’ll be using today to just enjoy one another. There’ll be games, laughter and lots and lots of love. This morning will see them enjoying homemade strawberry smoothies and tonight will find them feasting on lasagna, garlic bread and strawberry cake–all homemade by me and my children as we share the love and make memories. I’ll hide some of the little candy heart boxes and my youngest will go a little crazy trying to find them. We’ll hang up hearts and roses, beautifully drawn by my daughters. I’ll share lots and lots of hugs with my little men and my young ladies. And, in the doing, I’ll thank God for one of my greatest gifts: the blessing of being their Mom.
That’s my Valentine’s Day. That’s my gift. Twenty dozen long-stemmed roses couldn’t be better.
Like this:
God’s Word on Abuse
Genesis 42:21 And they said one to another, We are verily guilty concerning our brother, in that we saw the anguish of his soul, when he besought us, and we would not hear; therefore is this distress come upon us.
2 Samuel 22:28 And the afflicted people thou wilt save: but thine eyes are upon the haughty, that thou mayest bring them down.
Psalm 11:5, The Lord tests the righteous, but his soul hates the wicked and the one who loves violence.
Psalms 9:9 The LORD also will be a refuge for the oppressed, a refuge in times of trouble.
Psalms 18:48 He delivereth me from mine enemies: yea, thou liftest me up above those that rise up against me: thou hast delivered me from the violent man.
Psalms 22:24 For he hath not despised nor abhorred the affliction of the afflicted; neither hath he hid his face from him; but when he cried unto him, he heard.
Psalms 72:14 He shall redeem their soul from deceit and violence: and precious shall their blood be in his sight.
Genesis 42:21 And they said one to another, We are verily guilty concerning our brother, in that we saw the anguish of his soul, when he besought us, and we would not hear; therefore is this distress come upon us.
2 Samuel 22:28 And the afflicted people thou wilt save: but thine eyes are upon the haughty, that thou mayest bring them down.
Psalm 11:5, The Lord tests the righteous, but his soul hates the wicked and the one who loves violence.
Psalms 9:9 The LORD also will be a refuge for the oppressed, a refuge in times of trouble.
Psalms 18:48 He delivereth me from mine enemies: yea, thou liftest me up above those that rise up against me: thou hast delivered me from the violent man.
Psalms 22:24 For he hath not despised nor abhorred the affliction of the afflicted; neither hath he hid his face from him; but when he cried unto him, he heard.
Psalms 72:14 He shall redeem their soul from deceit and violence: and precious shall their blood be in his sight.
Psalms 140:12 I know that the LORD will maintain the cause of the afflicted, and the right of the poor.
Psalms 103:6 The LORD executeth righteousness and judgment for all that are oppressed.
Psalms 146:7 Which executeth judgment for the oppressed: which giveth food to the hungry. The LORD looseth the prisoners:
Psalms 82: 3-4, Vindicate the weak and fatherless; Do justice to the afflicted and destitute. Rescue the weak and needy; Deliver them out of the hand of the wicked.
Proverbs 10:6 Blessings are upon the head of the just: but violence covereth the mouth of the wicked.
Proverbs 10:11 The mouth of a righteous man is a well of life: but violence covereth the mouth of the wicked.
Proverbs 11: 29 He that troubleth his own house shall inherit the wind: and the fool shall be servant to the wise of heart.
Proverbs 22: 8 Whoever sows injustice will reap calamity, and the rod of his fury will fail. (ESV)
Proverbs 22: 10 Drive out a scoffer, and strife will go out, and quarreling and abuse will cease. (ESV)
Proverbs 31:9 Open thy mouth, judge righteously, and plead the cause of the poor and needy.
Isaiah 1:17 Learn to do well; seek judgment, relieve the oppressed, judge the fatherless, plead for the widow.
Isaiah 35:3,4 Strengthen ye the weak hands, and confirm the feeble knees. Say to them that are of a fearful heart, Be strong, fear not: behold, your God will come with vengeance, even God with a recompence; he will come and save you.
Jeremiah 22:3 Thus saith the LORD; Execute ye judgment and righteousness, and deliver the spoiled out of the hand of the oppressor: and do no wrong, do no violence to the stranger, the fatherless, nor the widow, neither shed innocent blood in this place.
Malachi 2: 16 …and I hate a man’s covering himself with violence as well as with his garment” says the Lord Almighty.
Matthew 5:21, 22 Ye have heard that it was said by them of old time, Thou shalt not kill; and whosoever shall kill shall be in danger of the judgment: But I say unto you, That whosoever is angry with his brother without a cause shall be in danger of the judgment: and whosoever shall say to his brother, Raca, shall be in danger of the council: but whosoever shall say, Thou fool, shall be in danger of hell fire.
Matthew 18:10, See that you do not despise one of these little ones. For I tell you that in heaven their angels always see the face of my Father who is in heaven.
Colossians 3:19, Husbands, love your wives, and be not bitter against them.
Galatians 6:2 Bear ye one another’s burdens, and so fulfil the law of Christ.
Galatians 5:19-21, Now the works of the flesh are evident: sexual immorality, impurity, sensuality, idolatry, sorcery, enmity, strife, jealousy, fits of anger, rivalries, dissensions, divisions, envy, drunkenness, orgies, and things like these. I warn you, as I warned you before, that those who do such things will not inherit the kingdom of God.
Ephesians 4:29-32, Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you. (ESV)
Ephesians 5:25, Husbands, love your own wives, even as also the Christ loved the assembly, and gave up himself for it;
Ephesians 6: 4, And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.
2 Timothy 3: 1-5, But understand this, that in the last days there will come times of difficulty. 2 For people will be lovers of self, lovers of money, proud, arrogant, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, 3 heartless, unappeasable, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not loving good, 4 treacherous, reckless, swollen with conceit, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God, 5 having the appearance of godliness, but denying its power.Avoid such people.
Hebrews 12:12 Wherefore lift up the hands which hang down, and the feeble knees;
Hebrews 13:3 Remember them that are in bonds, as bound with them; and them which suffer adversity, as being yourselves also in the body.
James 1: 19, 20, Wherefore, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath: For the wrath of man worketh not the righteousness of God.
James 1:26 If any man among you seem to be religious, and bridleth not his tongue, but deceiveth his own heart, this man’s religion is vain.
James 3:10 Out of the same mouth proceedeth blessing and cursing. My brethren, these things ought not so to be.
Like this:
For Wives Of Husbands Who Don’t
Ephesians 5: 25, “Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it;”
Ephesians 5: 28, “So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself.”
Ephesians 5: 33, “Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself;….”
(So many wives who have husbands who don’t…
just don’t…
this is for them.)
Once upon a time, long, long ago,
in the golden field of forever
before God
and everyone else
we said “I do”
and I believed you.
And I got busy doing
and you didn’t.
And I cried.
Long, long ago and not so far away,
I entered into our ever-after
longing to serve God with you;
with hopes for laughter
and loving memories
and dreaming of dreams
that really would come true…
only they didn’t.
For you entered our marriage
with dreams of playing, having fun
and escaping as much responsibility
as you possibly could.
And one by one,
I watched as my dreams shattered
into millions of pieces
right alongside my broken heart.
And I cried.
In desperation I turned my attention
to pleasing you,
even if it meant losing me,
while you turned your attention
to pleasing yourself
even if it meant hurting me.
When I’d pour out my hurt to you
expecting you to care,
you would deny having done anything wrong.
And then you would say that you
were surprised at my selfishness
for wanting your attention
when you had other things, better things,
to consume it.
You would say that I was suffocating you
by needing you so.
Then, time and time again,
you told me to go away
and leave you alone.
Slowly I grew weary of tears.
Alone and lonely,
under the disappearing rainbow,
I decided to try once more
(again and again)
to please you,
to be the kind of wife that you
would want to come home to,
to give you all I had to give,
and more,
and you never even noticed.
So I turned aside from crying,
gathered the fractured remains of our lives
and buried myself in God.
I began to build on the Truth
which you could neither see nor understand.
I built for a future that would stand firm,
that would someday mean something,
even if you yourself never noticed.
A few years ago tomorrow and in the land of lullabies,
I continued to build
for a hopeful someday.
I built it on the laughter of little ones,
on shared joys with them
and together we finally had fun.
And you buried yourself in yet more sleep,
endless errands,
another television program
and too many movies to count.
But somehow
the laughter of little children broke through my tears.
Once upon a time I dreamed of pleasing you
but no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t.
Once upon a time, so many, many times,
you didn’t notice
the tears streaming down my face
or pouring forth from my shattered heart.
You never saw how your words destroyed us,
how your actions broke us into,
how afraid we were.
And the years crept by
and you held firmly to your nothingness
secure in the fact that you were the boss
and could do what you wanted,
say what you wanted,
break us when you wanted.
You could do anything
no matter what
we might want,
no matter how it hurt us.
And, through the pain, we held on to God.
Today, after far too long,
I will finally make things right
that should have been right all along.
I will build a peaceful haven around you
because I cannot build it with you.
And you will still be there
asleep in your chair
as mindless chatter issues forth
from a place of despair inside a box
that is far more important to you than I ever was.
So now
the wife you ignored
and
the children you never had time for
will go forward together towards tomorrow.
We will miss the you
that could have been
but wasn’t
and the memories we might have made with you
but didn’t.
And, though you are self-consumed,
and will continue on as always,
though you threaten and fuss,
yell and accuse,
it no longer matters
for the Truth has set us free.
By God’s grace,
as today turns into a thousand tomorrows,
the children and I will grow into who we might have been
before you tried to destroy us through your words,
before you sought to reduce us,
by your anger, to nothingness,
before you, by lack of planning,
by repeated failure,
took everything from us.
We will build for a future that will work
though nothing you’ve built ever has.
And, as the relentless stream of time
gathers and flows,
deep within your cocoon of sameness
you won’t even notice
what we will have done.
And, as days give way to years,
by God’s mercy,
finally,
there will be no more tears.
Like this:
Deal Breakers and Monkey Love by IdaMae
Women talk to me. Not sure why. Maybe it’s this strange tendency to laugh inappropriately during confessional sessions. More likely, my Christian pedigree worked the magic– pastor’s daughter, pastor’s granddaughter, pastor’s great-granddaughter. We attended my father’s church for years, my household appeared to be in order, therefore surely I’m an expert on the ways of matrimony. The whole ‘older women instructing the younger’ kicked in somewhere around thirty-five despite the fact I didn’t have a swinging clue.
I did not cultivate bleeding hearts by the front door, they just appeared right and left. Quite possibly the teaching in our church contributed—just as politics or law enforcement tends to attract a certain personality type, the heavy emphasis on the wife’s submission and patriarchal headship attracted men with an abusive streak, . I’m going to go with that theory and believe our churches were top-heavy with abusive men because the atmosphere made them feel all warm and snuggly rather than the cynical viewpoint that most men are abusive.
The Blind Shall See
For years, I did not understand what I was hearing. I spent lots of time waving my hands about and squealing. I tried tooffer help but generally said something lame like, ‘my husband can be pretty difficult at times too.” or “when I figure this out, I’ll write a book and we’ll move to Reno.” They thought I was joking. Silly women.
Once upon a time, I was a highly social person. When I left, only a couple of good friends remained, both blessed by the anti-husband’s seal of approval. Nice ladies who I loved dearly, but the fact remains, when I broke ranks, I lost their companionship.
Let’s take a moment while I feel sorry for myself a little.
***
During those years of informal counseling sessions, I did learn to recognize the difference between a difficult man and an impossible one. The difficult might….
To read in full, please go to http://thoroughlychristiandivorce.wordpress.com/2012/02/02/deal-breakers-and-monkey-love/#wpl-likebox
Like this:
The Abuse Victim as Widow - by Jeff Crippen
Exodus 22:22 You shall not mistreat any widow or fatherless child.
Deuteronomy 10:17-18 For the LORD your God is God of gods and Lord of lords, the great, the mighty, and the awesome God, who is not partial and takes no bribe. (18) He executes justice for the fatherless and the widow, and loves the sojourner, giving him food and clothing.
The Error of Seeing the Abuser as Victim - by Jeff Crippen
Proverbs 30:20 “This is the way of an adulteress: she eats and wipes her mouth and says, “I have done no wrong.”"
When there is a crime, there is a victim and a criminal. It is just that simple. If your house was burglarized, would you believe for a second that the burglar is a victim too? Well, many people actually buy into that kind of thinking.
Coming to the Aid of the Abuser? by Anna Wood (via A Cry For Justice)
Isaiah 5: 20, “Woe to those who call evil good and good evil, who put darkness for light and light for darkness, who put bitter for sweet and sweet for bitter!”
When an abuse victim approaches her pastor or a member of her congregation to share her story of abuse at the hands of her husband, it is likely she does so at great cost to herself. If her abuser finds out that she has “betrayed” him, she is likely to pay. How she pays will depend upon the level of abuse and the type of abuse she receives from her abuser. Yet, fully aware of the dangers to herself but unable to “go on like this” anymore, she takes courage and approaches anyway. Sadly, instead of finding a place of refuge, she is likely to be disbelieved or to be sent back to her abuser with commands to “try to understand him more” or to “figure out what you are doing that sets him off”. If she happens to mention the “D” word, she will, in many churches, be told that it is sin to consider “destroying her marriage”. Rarely does anyone stop to consider that her story might be true and that, by sending her away, we have come to the aid of the abuser.
It is so easy to accuse, castigate and condemn without ever stopping to think that we might be wrong in our accusations. When we are dealing with an abuse victim, our failure to listen, to believe, to come to their aid just might lead to them suffering severe injuries or even death.
We must take the time to really listen to the wounded ones who come our way. Go out on a limb and believe the abused woman. What if the story she is telling you is true? How must your denial of it come across to her? If you were the one who had been greatly wounded by someone and you took the chance and confided it, how do you think you would feel if the one you confided in refused to believe you?
To read in full, please go to Coming to the Aid of the Abuser by Anna Wood.
Crazy Making
Consider this: what if you got up tomorrow and, suddenly without explanation or warning, everybody around you told you that the sky orange: not orange at sunrise or sunset but orange around the day-lit clock? And, what if, when the day finally ended everyone told you the night sky was green? The first day you might laugh it off as a colossal practical joke but what if you got up the next morning, and the next and the next and the next and every single morning you were told the daytime sky was orange and every single evening you were told the night sky was green? Finally, in frustration, you’d ask them how they could possibly believe the sky had changed color. What if they then “reminded” you of some calamity that had occurred, something so grand, so awful, it had altered reality and then chided you for forgetting the event and then, pointing to the sky, said, “And it’s been like this ever since”. And, yet you saw, as clearly as you ever have, that the daytime sky was blue and that the nighttime sky was dark blue or black. What if you protested, trying to make others understand only to be told “You’re crazy! the sky is orange, I tell you, orange!”? You alone disagree and, because of that, you alone are the one everyone thinks crazy. Finally you begin to feel like everyone else might be right: maybe you really are crazy. So, after a long period of being laughed at, of being accused of craziness for not accepting their version of reality, sadly believing you somehow forgot this sky-changing calamity, you begin to accept that everyone else was right and you alone were wrong; in defeat you admit that the daytime sky is indeed orange and the nighttime sky is green. And, yet, every morning thereafter when you look at the sky, you wonder if you really are crazy because no matter how many times you tell yourself the sky is orange, it still looks blue to you. Finally, one day, able to bear it no more, you simply quit looking at all.
That’s called crazy-making and that is what abuse victims face day-after-day, year-after-year. We are told black is white often enough that we begin to doubt our own version of reality. We clearly see one thing but our abusers tell us quite another. When we deny their version of reality (no matter that it is faulty), it is we who are told we are crazy. Quite often they tell others, too. Finally, after being continually browbeaten, in defeat, we accept the sad truth: we really are crazy. Black really is white.
Crazy-making.
Like this:
God’s Grace for the Abused by Wes Bredenhof
“The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” That Bible passage comes from verse 18 of Psalm 34. Maybe you know what it’s like to be brokenhearted and crushed in spirit. If you’ve ever been abused sexually, physically, or emotionally, then I know that you know. Abuse of any kind crushes you down and leaves you broken. And when this has happened to you, especially as a child, there are no easy answers. It’s a real struggle to come to terms with what happened, and, strangely enough, it can be even harder if you have any kind of belief in the God of the Bible.
If you’ve been abused in any way, I want to acknowledge your pain as being very real and legitimate. You may try to keep that pain filed away in the back of your soul somewhere, but you and I both know that it’s still there. From time to time, it re-emerges to haunt you again – even if you thought that you’d dealt with it through counselling. You have your pain and you have your questions. And again, you may have your secret doubts about God and his love for you.
There is grace and compassion from God for you. Even though you are broken. Even though you may doubt God’s love, you doubt his ability to have kept you safe when you were abused. Even though you are weak and broken, there is grace. Even though you are crushed. You’re sad and angry at the same time, maybe even angry at God. God can look past it all. God will give you grace, he will give what you don’t deserve. God is still there for you, even if you have trouble accepting it. There is grace for the abused.
Let me explain why that is. You can only understand the depth of God’s grace when you look at the person who most clearly showed God’s grace in this world. You have to look at Jesus Christ. When we’ve been abused, the temptation is to think that we’re alone, that our situation is totally unique. Perhaps in some ways it is. But just think for a moment about the suffering that the Lord Jesus experienced. He was physically abused horrifically in the last hours of his life. Having had all his clothes stripped off him, there was a measure of sexual abuse in what he experienced. But the worst part of his suffering was the emotional and spiritual angle. No pictures or movies can adequately capture it. He was rejected by God his Father. He was rejected by all his friends and disciples. Jesus Christ had done nothing wrong, yet he hung on the cross and suffered. He deserved none of this!
Why did Jesus Christ have to experience all this abuse? We ask the same questions about our own experiences. We don’t often find answers that will satisfy us. There are answers, but they seem trite. But with the suffering and abuse of Jesus Christ, we have a different story. There is an answer to why Jesus had to suffer. The Bible clearly teaches that all are sinners. Abusers and abused – all of us have fallen short of God’s holy standards. We have put ourselves into debt with God. The good news is that God sent Jesus Christ to pay the debt for all who believe in him. There was a sense in what happened with Jesus: it was for you! He took all that hellish abuse for you, so that youcould have a friendly relationship with God. You could not do that for yourself. God did not owe it to you to send Jesus Christ. He did it simply because he cared for you.
Do you see God’s grace in the abuse that Jesus Christ suffered? It was horrible, but there was no other way for you to be saved. Somebody had to step in and pay the price for your sins. The only way you could do it is if you were to go to hell yourself. You could spend an eternity in hell and you would never be finished paying for your sins. Instead, when you hold on to Christ in faith, his suffering makes the payment for you. The suffering of the Lord Jesus is the only thing that can make you acceptable to God.
The abuse and suffering of Jesus Christ makes sense. We can see God’s grace in that. God’s grace is that through the abuse of Jesus Christ, we receive what we did not deserve. Through the abuse of Jesus, we receive a relationship with God and the life that lasts forever.
Now, let’s go back to your own abuse and suffering. Where is God’s grace in what happened to you? I’m going to be careful here, because I don’t know exactly what you’ve been through. I don’t know where you’re at right now. I can only work with what I do know. I know that you’re not responsible for what happened to you. And another thing I know, and you should know too, is what we began with from Psalm 34: “The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” The Lord is close to you. This means that God is relationally close to you in your brokenheartedness. If you are holding on to Jesus Christ for your salvation, God promises that he is close. Now maybe you don’t feel that closeness, but he is there. He also promises to save you – that doesn’t mean that he’s going to stop all the hurt and suffering in your life. No, we’re going to see that the promise is bigger than that.
When we believe that the Lord Jesus is our Saviour, we want to believe that life will be easier and make more sense. But it doesn’t always work that way. Sometimes life becomes tougher and more confusing. We want to believe that we have a God who will stop every bad thing from happening to us. We want to believe that we have a God who is in control and who’s only going to bring good things our way. We want to believe that the story of Job in the Old Testament is just an exception. But here again, we have to look to Jesus. His path to victory was through suffering. He had to travel through the valley of the shadow of death. In fact, more often than not, Christians suffer. The so-called victorious Christian life with no struggles, with no suffering and all sunny skies is the exception, not the rule. I just mentioned Job, but you can read Psalm 73 to see the same thing happening. In that Psalm, a man wonders why the wicked seem to have everything going good, but the believers are suffering. What sense does it make? The answer doesn’t come until he goes to the temple. At the temple, he sees the sacrifices of all the animals and he’s reminded that eternal death is the punishment for sin. God points out that he needs to think “big picture.”
That’s hard to do when we’ve been abused. It’s even harder to think big picture when the abuse is ongoing. It’s not easy to have an eternal perspective. But this is what faith is about. Even though things look off, you have to trust God’s promise that he is near you, even though you can’t understand how that’s being worked out. Because of Jesus Christ, God is working in your life, even through your abuse and sufferings. You have to think ahead in faith. Though it’s incredibly hard to do it, you have to think along the lines of what we read in Romans 8:18, “I consider that the present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us.” The present life is suffering and abuse. It’s real and it weighs us down. But there is a future. The future is glory and it will be revealed in us. This is God’s promise to you. He makes another promise in verse 28 of Romans 8, “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” And then a couple verses further, “If God is for us, who can be against us?”
If you’ve been abused, you probably don’t feel like God has been much for you in your life. Again, here’s where faith comes in the picture. To grasp what I’m getting at, you need to think of yourself differently. We like to think that we’re quite intelligent, understanding people. We’ve reached a level of maturity. But as Christians, we come to see ourselves differently. I used to live in a BC town where there were a number of mentally handicapped people. One of them was a young woman, perhaps in her twenties. She had a caregiver who took her out every day. Without her caregiver, she would likely never have been able to get out of bed, eat proper meals, and so on. She was totally dependent on her caregiver. She trusted her caregiver to do the right thing for her each day. I suppose she may not always have understood why her caregiver did certain things. But yet she trusted her. We see the same thing with infant children and their parents. They don’t understand, especially in the midst of pain, but typically they go on trusting. They know that their parents and caregivers are really for them. When we think about God’s closeness to us, we need to think in these terms. Hard though it may be, we need to see ourselves as entirely dependent on God and his goodness. As we do that, we will not only know about God’s grace, we will also experience it in our lives.
And as we experience that grace for ourselves in relation to God, we will also be more ready and willing to share it with others. One of the biggest steps an abused person can take is to extend grace and forgiveness to the one who abused them. Maybe you’re not ready for that yet. It may take some time. But as you meaningfully reflect on God’s grace for you in Jesus Christ, at some point you’ll want to share that grace with the person or people who’ve hurt you. They don’t deserve your forgiveness, do they? But when you give that forgiveness, what are you saying about God? You’re saying, “In giving Jesus Christ, my God has been so gracious to me, I will extend the same grace to you.” In that way, God’s goodness gets amplified in this broken world. More people will come to see and appreciate the depth of God’s grace for sinners.
If you’ve been abused, there is God’s grace and healing for you in Jesus Christ. May God bless you with his grace in the Lord Jesus.
http://yinkahdinay.wordpress.com/2011/01/27/gods-grace-for-the-abused/
Let Me Come In by Grace Noll Crowell
Let me come in where you are weeping, friend,
And let me take your hand.
I, who have known a sorrow such as yours,
Can understand.
Let me come in – I would be very still
Beside you in your grief.
I would not bid you cease your weeping, friend,
Tears bring relief.
Let me come in – I would only breathe a prayer,
And hold your hand,
For I have known a sorrow such as yours,
And understand.
by Grace Noll Crowell
Like this:
I Shall Be Glad by Grace Noll Crowell
If I can put new hope within the heart
Of one who has lost hope,
If I can help a brother up
Some difficult long slope
That seems too steep for tired feet to go,
If I can help him climb
Into the light upon the hill’s far crest,
I shall begrudge no time
Or strength that I spend, for well I know
How great may be his need.
If I can help through any darkened hour,
I shall be glad indeed.
For I recall how often I have been
Distressed, distraught, dismayed,
And hands have reached to help, and voices called
That kept me unafraid.
If I can share this help that I have had,
God knows I shall be glad.
The Best That You Can Do
What is the best thing that you can do for an abused woman?
Believe her.
Ten Lies Enablers Tell Themselves by Cindy Burrell
I have been where you are. I understand the confusion and chaos you live with.I have told myself all of the same things you tell yourself, the rationalizations you use to justify the insanity of an unsafe relationship.
I have also found freedom. I have discovered the truth. I want to you discover the same.
Sometimes it takes a little jolt to get us out of our dysfunctional mindset so that we can renew our strength and find the determination we need to break the cycle.
Have these thoughts crossed your mind?
Lie #1: This must be normal.
You assume that your relationship is typical of most relationships. Even though you are hurting constantly, strategizing ways to get him to hear or understand you, trying to prove you are worth loving, you tell yourself that it’s a misunderstanding, a phase or he’s just going through a hard time.
Fear, anxiety, confusion, isolation, diminishment, sarcasm, manipulation, name-calling, shame and blame are not the automatic responses of someone who is just having a bad day. Doesn’t it seem illogical for a man to attack his greatest ally, his best friend, his mate? It should, because it is.
You believe that if you try harder, the abuser will come to appreciate you. In truth, the more he abuses, the harder you try. That’s what he appreciates.
Lie #2: He’ll change.
Then why hasn’t he?
Why do you believe he will change now or at sometime in the future? Because you love him? Because you’re so patient with him? Because he doesn’t mean it? Because he’s said, “I’m so sorry. It won’t happen again”? You believe it because believing that he knows what he’s doing and he doesn’t care is too scary.
In truth, you have stayed with him in spite of the fact that he is abusing you; therefore, the message he is receiving is that you really don’t have a problem with it. You are reinforcing that what he’s doing is acceptable.
Where is the incentive for him to change? You’re doing the same things you’ve always done; why shouldn’t he?
If he wants to change, why doesn’t he?
If he won’t change, then you must.
Lie #3: I Need to Protect Him.
Abuse is nurtured and fed by your silence. Part of the abuser’s power is in your willingness to keep his secrets. Stop keeping them.
Instead of protecting him, start protecting yourself.
Lie #4: It’s My Fault.
So, you are willing to believe your actions determine the way he responds to you. You pushed his button or hit the trigger that set him off.
Do you really hold that much power over his choices or behavior? If that is so, then why don’t you have the power to keep him from abusing you?
You have no power over him, and you never will.
You do, however, have power over what you will do.
What will you do?
To read in full, please go to http://ezinearticles.com/?Ten-Lies-Enablers-Tell-Themselves&id=4085423
When a Woman is Abused
(Statistics tell us that approximately one in three women are abused at some point in their life. That means that if you yourself are not abused then surely you know someone who is.)
If a Christian woman is abused by her husband, whether the abuse is emotional, physical, spiritual or sexual, it isn’t because
she didn’t submit enough,
she hasn’t tried hard enough,
she didn’t love him enough,
she didn’t spend enough time in prayer for her husband
and for their marriage,
that she didn’t study the Word
or didn’t believe the Word
or didn’t try to obey the Word with everything within her.
If she gets to the point where she is thinking about separating from her husband, or even divorcing him, after many hours of prayer and many hours of Bible study and more tears than you could ever even begin to imagine, it doesn’t necessarily follow that
she never loved him,
she is a feminist,
that she wants to be separated or divorced,
that she doesn’t believe in biblical womanhood,
that she didn’t long for a traditional marriage,
that she didn’t try hard enough to be a good wife,
that she isn’t a good Christian.
If you should happen to meet a woman who has been abused, you will probably think that she is
distant,
cold,
self-involved,
shy.
Most likely this is because she is
shattered,
broken,
alone
and confused.
If you have never walked in her steps, if you’ve never heard the words designed to destroy you coming from the mouth of the one who swore before God and others that he would love you forever, if you’ve never been, literally and physically backed into a corner with absolutely no way out, then you probably have absolutely no clue how
betrayed,
devastated,
shocked,
heart-broken
and hurt an abused woman feels.
If a woman has been beaten down, physically or emotionally, and she is brave enough to seek help,
go to her,
applaud her,
pray for her and with her,
and help her,
because, most likely, she has absolutely no idea what she is going to do next.
Her fear and confusion will be even more evident, more overwhelming, more devastating to her if she has children. Remember that and love her and love her children, also.
Comfort them,
pray for them,
listen to them,
do something kind for them,
let them know that someone cares
even if their daddy doesn’t.
Emotional abuse, physical abuse, spiritual abuse and sexual abuse of wives is real and far more common than most folks realize. It happens even in what others perceive to be “Christian” families. Even if the abuse is just aimed at the wife, the children will still be injured from the fallout. Frequently, though, it isn’t just fallout that hurts them; abusers of wives often go on to become abusers of children, too. Often abuse doesn’t stop with just words even if that is where it starts. If a man will break his wife with his words, many times, he will manifest force against her somehow, someway, sometime. It just might bleed out to the children, also.
Abuse isn’t the wife’s fault. It isn’t the children’s fault. No one deserves to be hurt like this.
If you know about a case of domestic abuse, consider that perhaps God has put you here with this family and has prepared you for such a time as this. If so, you have an obligation to
pray,
to love,
to be available to her as she tries to rebuild her life
and the lives of her children,
to listen
and listen again and again,
to cry with her,
to protect,
to defend,
to get her and her children to safety if need be
and to help her start over.
When it is over, when she has taken the step to protect her and her children that she never dreamed that she would ever have to take, remember that
she doesn’t need condemnation, she needs assurance that she is accepted and safe with you and in her church.
Keep in mind that…
her dreams are gone, help her to dream new ones;
her life is shattered, help her to build it again;
her children need love and guidance, see yourself as part of their healing;
she herself needs a friend, be one
and always, always pray for her and for her children.
