Not Defined by Abuse by Anna Grace Wood

I’m so much more than a women who has been trapped in an abusive situation. I’m a Southerner, a Mama (of quite a few actually), a homeschooler, a blogger, a writer, a pet owner…among many other possible descriptions. Most of all I’m a daughter of the Lord. Many terms can be used to describe me. That’s great because, though I’ve been affected by abuse, I don’t want to be defined by it. I imagine that most women (or men) who have suffered through an abusive relationship don’t want to be defined by it. Yet, often, that’s what ends up happening–at least in the eyes of others.

“Oh, that’s Alice. Did you know her husband abused her?”

“Her name is Pam. Her ex-husband used to refuse to let her leave the house without his permission.”

“That’s Mark. His ex- was verbally abusive, I hear. Sad, him being a man and all.”

As someone who has been caught up in the web of abuse, I am doing all that I can to eradicate myself of it’s influence. Other women that I know who have been affected by it are doing the same. We don’t want to spend our whole life being thought of as “an abused woman”. We want to be thought of as Alice…painter of beautiful pictures. Pam…cook extraordinaire. Or, in the case of guys, Mark…master carpenter. Possibly we wish to be thought of as a women with a lovely laugh, a great friend, a funny guy, serious, kind, generous. Anything except as “Abused”. It’s a stigma we don’t deserve. Oh, yes, it happened to us but no way is it going to define us.

It’s not easy getting free. It’s so hard coming to an understanding of what has happened to you. Getting to the point of knowing and then of confessing “I’ve been abused”–it’s so hard. So hard. It’s embarrassing. It’s shameful. It’s spirit killing. We don’t need to be reminded of it our whole lives. We are so much more than “abused”. We are daughters. Sons. Mothers. Fathers. Cooks. Readers. Students. Children of God.

Yeah. Yeah, we are. And it feels really great to say it.

 

murder at the bottom of my garden (via Morven’s blog)

It happened again this morning, before dawn broke and the world was awake.   There was a murder at the bottom of my garden.  I could hardly abide the screams … and dreadful coo-ing.  Something nasty with whiskers and a tail was killing one of the beautiful wood doves that live near our stream.

It was awful laying there, now wide awake, struggling with the decision to get on my fuzzy robe and wellington boots, find a flashlight and large object, preferably the ancient baseball bat that now resides in the attic, and march down to the water and save a life.  In all reality, I had heard all this before, and knew that within a couple of minutes, the pathetic cries would end, and nature would again be doing what it is meant to do.  As awful as it is.

We all know about tears in the night ….  We lose loved ones, whether to death or abandonment.   Romances end, couples betray one another, children sometimes break our hearts with their decisions.  Investments fail, jobs are lost and dreams are shattered.   We have all known the pain of disappointment.  We’ve all been sad, but we grieve, mourn, regroup and recover.

Some don’t recover.  There are murders happening around us, ones we don’t necessarily overhear or witness, but they happen just the same.  There are women who are abused physically or emotionally every day.  Statistics report that at least four women will die every day or night at the hands of the man she thought loved her.  Every night spirits are being crushed and the children living in those homes are terrified, their precious innocence being lost forever.

To read more of this excellent article, please go to http://morvensblog.wordpress.com/2012/03/18/murder-at-the-bottom-of-my-garden/

 

Comforting the Abused by Anna Grace Wood

If a Christian woman is abused by her husband, whether the abuse is emotional, physical, spiritual, financial or sexual, the fault isn’t hers. Though she no doubt has failed at times, in no way does that allow for or explain her husband’s abuse of her.

Abuse isn’t anger issues, isn’t caused by lack of submission on the wife’s part and isn’t a momentary issue. A man isn’t abusive because he isn’t getting enough in the bedroom or because he is intimidated by his wife. Abuse is a long-standing pattern of treatment designed to break and control another person.

A man is abusive because he desires ungodly control over his wife. The sin of abuse lies in the abuser’s court.

When you meet up with an abused woman, remember these things:

When a woman is abused by her husband, it isn’t because

she didn’t submit enough (if she is like most abused women, she is far more submissive than most women ever have to be),

she didn’t obey often enough (in the name of obedience, he has likely commanded things that would disgust and frighten the best of us),

she hasn’t tried hard enough,

she didn’t love him enough,

she didn’t spend enough time in prayer for her husband and for their marriage,

she didn’t study the Word,

didn’t believe the Word

or didn’t try to obey the Word with everything within her.

If she gets to the point where she is thinking about separating from her husband, or even divorcing him, after many hours of prayer and many hours of Bible study and more tears than you could ever even begin to imagine, it doesn’t follow that

she never loved him,

she is a radical feminist,

she wants to be separated or divorced,

she isn’t a godly woman,

she didn’t work at having a good marriage,

she didn’t try hard enough to be a good wife,

she isn’t a good Christian.

If you should happen to meet a woman who has been abused, you will probably think that she is

distant,

cold,

self-involved,

shy.

Most likely this is because she is

shattered,

broken,

terrified

and confused.

If you have never walked in her steps, if you’ve never heard the words designed to destroy you coming from the mouth of the one who swore before God and others that he would love you forever, if you’ve never been, literally and physically backed into a corner with absolutely no way out,  then you probably have absolutely no clue how

betrayed,

devastated,

shocked,

heart-broken

and frightened an abused woman feels.

If a woman has been beaten down, physically or emotionally, and she is brave enough to seek help,

be open to her,

listen to her,

believe her,

applaud her,

pray for her and with her,

support her,

and help her in any way that you can

because she most likely has absolutely no idea what she is going to do next.

An abused woman’s fear and confusion will be even more evident, more overwhelming, more devastating if she has children. Remember that and show love for her by loving her children, also. You can help her immensely by showing kindness and concern to and for her children. She needs you to

understand they are in pain,

listen to them,

be gentle with them,

comfort them,

model godliness to them,

pray for them,

offer them hope,

do something kind for them,

include them in activities,

and let them know that someone cares for them even if their daddy doesn’t.

Emotional abuse, physical abuse, spiritual abuse, financial abuse and sexual abuse of wives is real and far more common than most folks realize. It happens even in what others perceive to be “Christian” families. Even if the abuse is just aimed at the wife, the children will still be injured from the fallout. Frequently, though, it isn’t just fallout that hurts them; abusers of wives often go on to become abusers of children, too. Often abuse doesn’t stop with just words even if that is where it starts. If a man will break his wife with his words, many times, he will manifest force against her somehow, someway, sometime. It just might bleed out to the children, also.

Abuse isn’t the wife’s fault. It isn’t the children’s fault. No one deserves to be hurt like this.

If you know of a family where domestic abuse is present, consider that perhaps God has put you here with this family and has prepared you for such a time as this. If so, as you are able, consider helping in these ways…

upholding them in prayer,

listening as they sort out their feelings,

offering them a place to stay for a while,

assisting them financially as you are able,

offering her a job,

providing food, clothing, transportation,

assisting her in decision making if she needs you to,

and making yourself available to her as she tries to rebuild their lives.

Remember that she needs someone who is willing

to listen and listen again and again,

to believe her,

to not lay blame on her,

to cry with her,

to protect,

to defend,

to get her and her children to safety if need be

and to help her start over.

When it is over, when she has taken the step to protect her and her children that she never dreamed that she would ever have to take, remember that

she doesn’t need condemnation, she needs assurance that she is accepted and safe with you and in her church.

Keep in mind that…

she needs to know God is there for her, help her to trust Him;

her dreams are gone, help her to dream new ones;

her life is shattered, help her to build it again;

her children need love and guidance, see yourself as part of their healing;

she herself needs a friend, be one

and continuously bear her family up in prayer.

 

Prepared to Counsel? by Anna Wood

It’s a long scary road for a woman to get to the place where she can admit she is abused. It’s can be an even longer one figuring out what to do next. Should she tell her family? Confide in friends? Disclose it to the church? For many women there is no choice. They will tell no one because they are too afraid of their abuser’s reaction should he find out she’s exposed his abuse or they simply have no one to tell. Others fear the reactions of the ones they might confide in. Sadly those that get up the courage to tell the truth, they often end up having more abuse heaped on them by those they have confided in.

Typical reactions from Christians first learning of a case of domestic abuse often include the following:

“Go home and love that man. If you show him love first, he’ll love you back.”

“Go home and forgive him. Show him that you’ve forgiven him by going out of the way to show him you have. He’ll be so humbled by receiving your forgiveness, he’ll repent.”

“Go home and submit to your husband. Non-submission is the root of your problem. If you weren’t rebellious towards him, your husband wouldn’t feel like he had to show you who’s the boss.”

“Go home and give that man the best sex he’s ever had. He’ll forget about being angry.”

“Go home and pray for your husband and then submit to whatever God sees fit for you to endure.”

Or abused wives are told…

“He’s got anger issues. Pray for him and be patient with him.”

“He’s just stressed. When things get better, he’ll stop.”

“Seek couple’s counseling. Each story has two sides.”

Sorry, folks, but this kind of advice is nothing short of dangerous garbage. If a man is an abuser, he’s an abuser. He doesn’t have anger issues. He isn’t sexually starved. He isn’t wanting more love. He wants to control his wife and nothing short of that will satisfy him.

The church at large, oblivious to the ways of an abuser, is making things worse for abused wives than it already is. By jumping into the discussion without taking the time to figure out what is really going on, church officials, Christian counselors and Christians in general, are creating dangerous conditions for abused women. If a woman comes to you with a story of abuse, the first thing you need to do is believe her; the second thing you need to do for her is pray with her and provide her with safety; the third thing you need to do is brush up on domestic abuse. It’s real. It’s dangerous. And it’s sometimes deadly.

If you don’t understand abuse, get a good book on it and study up. There’s some recommended on this blog and on our other blog, A Cry For Justice @ http://cryingoutforjustice.wordpress.com/ . One day you’ll most likely come face to face with an abused woman who is crying out for someone to believe her, for someone to help her. That person just might be you.

 

A Peek Inside My Heart by Anna Wood

When it comes to abuse, it’s very difficult for me to share my heart. I can state the facts all day long as long as I can remain somewhat distanced from it all; what happened to me, what happened to them. What abuse is. That’s easy: black and white, cut and dry. Abuse is sin and sin is wrong. Case closed.

Or maybe not so closed.

See, all that black and white is easy to discuss when you’re only talking facts: even saying this happened to me is easy as long as it’s from a distance, as long as my heart can stay divorced from it. But it doesn’t want to. Not anymore. Abuse has affected me; at times it’s threatened to destroy me. It affects my children. My family history is full of stories of abuse. I’m rather sick and tired of it. My heart has finally gotten brave enough to let me share peeks inside it without worrying about what others are going to think so I’m going to do just that. So no more distancing myself.

It’s time to jump into the fray and join the discussion. Not only about abuse but about feelings about being abused. One of the things I’ve found to be true in my dealings with abusive people is they never want you to feel, they certainly never want you to tell the truth about what you feel. It’s time to feel anyway. It’s time to tell the truth anyway.

So I’m going to start doing that and open up this perhaps one-sided conversation. This is what I’m feeling; these things are my truth:

I’m tired of being one of “those” families, the ones other “good Christian” families look down on, the ones pastors want nothing to do with. I don’t deserve that distinction. My children don’t deserve such distinction, either. We’re only one of “those” families because of the actions of some very cruel, very selfish, very non-Christlike people who have passed it all on from one person to another without ever stopping to think what they’re doing. My parents didn’t think. Folks behind them didn’t either. Folks on my husband’s side didn’t think. It’s for sure my husband never thought. Still isn’t thinking for that matter.

I’m tired of feeling “less than” because someone in the church can’t quite grasp that I haven’t done anything to deserve being mistreated. I’m tired of looking over my shoulder wondering what some “good Christian” man or woman is going to think of me or of my children because we aren’t quite like them. No, we’re not and, what’s more, we’ll probably never be. I’m thinking that, abuse aside, not being like them may be a good thing, considering how some “good Christian” folks I know act.

I’m tired of pastors who tell abused women to “submit more”, “pray more”, “show more respect”, “love him more”, “fix his favorite dinner” yada, yada, yada. As if we haven’t thought of all of this and tried all of this only to have it all fail. I’m here to shout from the rooftops that I have done all of this and more (far, far more than most of you can imagine–unless you’re a woman in my shoes and then you know all too well) and it didn’t make a dimes worth of difference. Didn’t make a penny’s worth of difference actually. It did give the hubby more reason to walk on me. I’m thinking he thought he had my approval.

Also, and this is really important, I don’t want to be thought of as a victim of abuse; I’d rather be thought of as a survivor. A thriver, even.

More important than anything is this: I may have been raised in abuse, may have married an abuser but this doesn’t define me. I am more than an abused woman. More than a survivor or thriver, even. I am the proud mother of nine beautiful children. I am a lover of words, of beautiful music, of creativity. A pretty good cook. A sometimes crazy woman who actually loves housework–as long as it is accompanied by the sounds of children’s laughter, much prayer or really good music. Oh, and this: I can’t turn away a stray (I’m pretty sure animals know this). Best of all, though, and the thing that actually defines me is this: I’m a child of God; a daughter who is undeserving of God’s tender grace and mercy but oh-so glad to be blessed by it.

I’m tired. But I’m here and I’m fighting. Against being labeled by “good Christian” folks who don’t have a clue what I and others like me have gone through, against false accusations–by husbands, by family, by the church–that have far too often fallen on me and my sisters by folks who have no clue what they are talking about. Against passing this madness on to the next generation. Against abuse in all it’s forms. In all it’s evil. So, to that end, I’m here to share my heart, my story, the truth about what we’ve endured and who we are and I’m going to listen as others do the same.

 

Facing an Unwelcome Truth: We can do better when it comes to bearing the burdens of battered women

“Gloria Steinem, an icon of feminism, often speaks—with irony and humor—of male oppression and patriarchy. She describes the persecution, oppression, and domination women have suffered throughout history at the hands of the Christian church. So goes the criticism of the relationship between Christ’s church and women. Abuse, and yes, even violence.

While we can’t change such one-sided characterizations of the institution we know represents our risen Lord, our Deliverer from oppression, we needn’t make it so easy for them either.

We must face an unwelcome truth: Many of the attacks on the church come from women who have experienced great pain in their lives, either because someone in the church caused their pain or they found the church impotent in response. One woman tells of being counseled to be “more submissive” so that her husband would quit battering her. Another describes a Christian organization covering up the abuse of children by a powerful executive. Yet another describes her abuser as a wealthy, well-respected leader in her church and community. Another woman, in telling about her journey of escape from domestic violence, reports that when she finally found the courage to approach a pastor, he responded: “God never gives us more than we can handle.”"

Article can be read in full at http://www.christianitytoday.com/ct/2005/october/21.87.html

 

 

Battered Women’s Syndrome – the four psychological stages

Many battered women, having been systematically abused by our partners, perceive that there is no way out of our relationship. Many of us believe that if we stay, he will eventually kill us and that if we leave, he will track us down and kill us. We feel trapped and helpless. Some battered women, believing there are no options to escape the abuse, may kill their abuser.

1] Denial: The woman refuses to admit – even to herself – that she has been beaten or that there is a “problem” in her marriage. She may call each incident an “accident”. She offers excuses for her partner’s violence and each time firmly believes it will never happen again.

2] Guilt: She now acknowledges there is a problem, but considers herself responsible for it. She “deserves” to be beaten or treated badly, she feels, because she has defects in her character and is not living up to her partner’s expectations.

3] Enlightenment: The woman no longer assumes responsibility for her partner’s abusive treatment, recognizing that no one “deserves” to be beaten. She is still committed to her relationship, though, and stays with her partner, hoping they can work things out.

4] Responsibility: Accepting the fact that her partner will not, or cannot, stop their violent behavior, the battered woman decides she will no longer submit to it and starts a new life.

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