At the end of myself…at the feet of Jesus

Matthew 25: 40, And the King shall answer and say unto them, Verily I say unto you, Inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto me.

Battered Wife Prayer by Jocelyn Soriano

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My God, I can no longer recognize the face that I see in the mirror. Where was the radiant bride that stood here merely five years ago? Where was the young woman full of hope, full of love and full of the promises of a brand new life ahead of her?

For the woman who stands here now seems no longer a woman at all. Gone was the light in her eyes that used to be the envy of all. Gone was the blush on her cheeks that used to be caressed with tenderness and love. Those eyes are now swollen from endless tears. Those cheeks are now shadowed by bruises and scars.

I have been transgressed and defiled, and I have allowed it all! I have allowed it for the most cliché reason of all. O how I thought I loved him, but the truth is that I don’t even know how to love my own self. How conceited indeed can a woman be? To think that she could change the man who doesn’t even want to change himself? Am I a God who can look into the hearts of men and seek the goodness that can be drawn from each one? Even God doesn’t force us to change if we wish to be stubborn and go our own sinful ways. Indeed, I am no God, and neither is the man I have worshipped so wrongfully all these years.

My God, help me to see things as they really are, not as I would have it. Help me to forgive myself as you have forgiven me, to love myself as you have loved me. Help me to know what love really is that it may take root in my heart and that it may bear fruit for others to also find their way. I used to think that love is being able to give everything even if it hurts. God it hurt so much! But now I know that love, even if it may hurt sometimes should never be at the expense of self-respect and dignity; love, even if it may entail sacrifice should never be at the expense of being shattered and broken.

For true love, if it is true indeed always brings wholeness and peace, and bears the fruit of goodness upon all who give and receive it. Love is not a matter of control or manipulation. Love is an invitation and a gift that can only be received with openness and a grateful heart. Help me find my way O God, not only for myself but more so for my beloved children. Help me to provide for them not only their material needs, but their emotional and spiritual longings as well.

Truly I have a long way to go and a great many more battles to face, but I dare to begin now God. I begin with your forgiveness and your love. I begin with your providence and healing. Help me through it all O Lord and one day soon, I know I will be able to see that radiant and beautiful bride once again.


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