Abusive husbands (or abusive wives) condition their spouses to accept responsibility for their abuse of them. “If you didn’t do this….” or “If only you didn’t say that….” or “If you hadn’t said it that way. You don’t know how you sounded….” or “It’s your fault for…. You make me so angry.” When the wife (or the husband) “owns up to it” they are “rewarded” with peace for a time (most likely a very short time).
This hard-won “peace” isn’t really peace at all and will go away more rapidly than anyone outside of the abuse could even begin to imagine.
If this describes you and your relationship with your spouse, please understand a few things:
The way he is acting isn’t right. His behavior is sin. He is the one to blame…not you.
God isn’t on the side of your abuser no matter how many times he has told you that He is.
Your abuser may use Scripture to justify their behavior, their abuse of you, but he is twisting it. His interpretation of the verses he uses are false and will not stand up in light of good exegesis (interpretation of the text).
It isn’t your fault your husband verbally, emotionally, financially, sexually or physically abused you. You didn’t make him do it, no matter how many times or ways he tells you that you did. You don’t deserve it no matter how often he tells you that you do.
Your husband has no right to punish you. He has no right to spank you, ground you, hit you, limit your freedom, yell at you, humiliate you.
You are deserving of your husbands love, care and respect.
You are responsible only for your own thoughts, feelings, beliefs, emotions and responses. Your husband is responsible for his.
God’s Word is truth. God’s truth is that what your spouse is doing is wrong.
Your husband will only change when he comes to God in repentance. Nothing outside of God can completely change him or free him from the sinner that he is and the sin that he commits.
God can change you when you come to Him in repentance (for we all are sinners). When He changes you, He will point you in a new, and freeing, direction. He will make you free in Christ.
No matter who you are, you did not ever and will not ever deserve abuse, anger, silence or to be attacked from those who claim to love her.
You can learn to see yourself in a new way. You can have freedom from abuse when you understand that the abuse, no matter what kind or how severe (even if you don’t see it as severe, it is), is sin. He is the one sinning. You are the one being sinned against.
There is help available. Please, please reach for it…today.